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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23441482">the night shift</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexaclub/pseuds/clexaclub'>clexaclub</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Minor Costia/Lexa (The 100), Minor Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Night Shift AU, PTSD, Slow Burn, Soldier Lexa (The 100), Trigger Warnings, medical AU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:49:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>40,236</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23441482</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexaclub/pseuds/clexaclub</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Pulmonary hypertension,” Lexa whispered suddenly, snapping her fingers as she started for the door once more. “Overweight. High blood pressure, of course.” </p><p>Clarke followed her into the hallway. “Can I help?” she asked. </p><p>Lexa was rushing down the hall but glanced back to see Clarke trying to keep up. She smirked and turned to walk backwards. “You don’t start until tomorrow,” she said, pointing a finger at the blonde.  </p><p>Clarke had the urge to snap it off Lexa’s hand. She put her hands on her hips, standing still now. “You’re so annoying, Lexa,” she said. </p><p>The woman turned back around to avoid running into someone. She called over her shoulder, “That’s Dr. Woods to you, boss.”</p><p> </p><p>or the night shift au</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>231</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1016</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. new interim chief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke Griffin was tired of hearing her name over the intercom. There always seemed to be an emergency right when she was finally getting two minutes to herself. Any of the other doctors or surgeons in this hospital could handle the emergencies but, for some reason, they always felt like Clarke should be there. Whether it was for moral support or actual knowledge of a skill, it did not seem to matter.  </p><p>Kane was still pushing her to take the interim chief position for the night shift, but Clarke was hesitant. Changing shifts would require an entire lifestyle adjustment. She had spent the past two years working day shift. One selling point for the night shift, as Kane kept bringing up, was that her mother would not also be working during those hours. Working separate shifts would definitely strengthen their relationship. Both Griffin doctors had very strong opinions as everyone in the hospital knew.</p><p>The people who worked the night shift were another bonus. They were hardworking, selfless, annoying, and Clarke's best friends. Even though their friend group worked separate hours, and <em> a lot </em> of hours, they tried to see each other outside of the hospital as often as possible. Clarke was the only one who did not currently work the night shift.  </p><p>Raven, Lincoln, and Lexa were all ex-military doctors. They had each spent, at least, five years in active duty. It was how the three of them met. Trusting each other with their lives in Afghanistan had practically made them siblings. Octavia was a fourth year attending but fit in well with them. She trained in combat as if she was also in the military. The only one who did not participate in their fight club was Clarke.</p><p>“Look who decided to slum down here with us,” Lincoln called from across the nurses’ station. </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes as she looked around for Kane. The night shift staff were starting to arrive for the night. Wells was walking in beside Lincoln with their bags thrown over their shoulders. She admired their easy smiles in the wake of all the chaos happening in the waiting room not far from where they walked.  </p><p>“Incoming,” someone shouted. A stretcher was rolled in from the ambulance bay. Raven was straddling a man’s chest as she applied pressure to his wound. Blood leaked through her fingers. “His car crashed into a tree. Had a giant piece of glass in his chest. Found him on my way here. Speaking of, I need someone to get my motorcycle towed here. It’s still on the side of the road.” </p><p>“I told you to let me ride with him in the ambulance,” Lexa said as she casually followed behind the stretcher. The woman had a straw in her mouth as she shrugged. “It’s your problem now.” </p><p>Clarke really should have known not to come to the emergency wing at this time of night. It was always chaotic and stressful but, if she planned on taking this job, she would have to get used to it. </p><p>Raven spotted Clarke as the paramedics pushed the stretcher toward an open room down the hall. Raven smiled from where she was still on top of the man. “I knew you’d take the job, Princess,” she said. “Can you go get my motorcycle?” </p><p>“No,” Clarke replied to the woman’s back. </p><p>Lexa walked over to Clarke as Raven was wheeled out of sight. She leaned against the counter of the nurses’ station. Clarke leaned her back against it. The people in the lobby were loud as nurses walked between the rows to find the most critical cases. She looked over at Lexa whose eyes were on her. </p><p>“I’m assuming you aren’t surprised either,” Clarke said, raising her eyebrows at the woman. </p><p>“No, I’m not,” Lexa said. She smirked. “You always had a hard time resisting me.” </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes, for what felt like the millionth time, and scoffed. “I’m not the one who knocked an entire shelving rack over in the supply room,” she said. She looked at Lexa more seriously now. “That was a long time ago, Lex.” </p><p>“Don’t worry, Princess,” Lexa said, pushing herself away from the counter. “I’ll wait for you to come to me this time.” </p><p>Clarke could not come up with a reply before Lexa was gone to change for her shift. That was going to be another part of the shift she did not particularly enjoy. Working with Lexa was easy but dealing with her any other time was hard. Their history made it difficult. </p><p>But that was a long time ago after all. She had a boyfriend now. She was different from the woman she used to be when her and Lexa were together.  </p><p>“Dr. Griffin,” Kane said, walking toward her with his arms wide. His smile was so friendly, and Clarke would bet he could sell <em>anything</em> to <em>anyone</em>. Including herself. “Please tell me you come bearing good news.” </p><p>“Well, I came to tell you that I do want the job,” Clarke answered. “As long as you hire Indra as chief nurse for the night shift, too.” </p><p>“Done,” Kane replied, much to her surprise.</p><p>Raven was rolling up her scrub sleeves as she turned the hall from the ER rooms. She put her chin in her hand and pouted as she took the spot Lexa had just occupied.  </p><p>“Octavia! Want to ride my motorcycle?” Raven called.  </p><p>The attending had just walked through the double doors. Octavia did not even bother answering Raven as she continued toward the locker room to change. </p><p>“You all suck!” Raven shouted.  </p><p>Clarke laughed as the nurses around them turned to see who had caused the commotion. Most, when they saw it was Raven, went about their business once more.  </p><p>“I don't start until tomorrow,” Clarke said, looking around the lobby.  </p><p>Lexa came out of the locker rooms, now dressed in scrubs, and went into one of the ER rooms. Clarke heard different monitors going off when Lexa opened the door. Clarke started for the room and stepped inside.</p><p>“I thought you worked all day today?” Lexa asked as she listened to the patient’s heart.  </p><p>“I did,” Clarke said. “I just came to make sure everything was okay.” </p><p>Lexa put her stethoscope around her neck as she looked down at the woman lying in the bed. She reached over to reset the monitor and the heart patterns returned to normal. Clarke did not want to disturb the woman who seemed lost in thought. They had dated long enough for Clarke to see that Lexa was working through something. </p><p>“Pulmonary hypertension,” Lexa whispered suddenly, snapping her fingers as she started for the door again. “Overweight. High blood pressure. Of course.” </p><p>Clarke followed her into the hallway. “Can I help?” she asked. </p><p>Lexa was rushing down the hall but glanced back to see Clarke trying to keep up. She smirked and turned to walk backwards. “You don’t start until tomorrow,” she said, pointing a finger at her.  </p><p>She had the urge to snap it off Lexa’s hand. Clarke stopped walking and put her hands on her hips. “You’re so annoying, Lexa,” she said.  </p><p>The woman turned back around to avoid running into someone. Lexa called over her shoulder, “That’s Dr. Woods to you, boss.” </p><p>When she got back to the nurses’ station, Raven was on the phone with a towing company. She was trying to get a discount for being an army doctor by using guilt. It was obviously unsuccessful from the tone of her voice.  </p><p>Clarke walked to the stairs. She still needed to grab her things from the general surgery unit she was leaving tomorrow. All Clarke wanted right now was her bed.  </p><p>“See you tomorrow, Princess,” Lincoln shouted. "Hope you're ready for the night shift."</p><p>The elevator dinged as someone stepped off. On a normal day, Clarke would take the stairs but she was abnormally exhausted. Once inside, she fell back against the rail and her head leaned back against the wall.</p><p>This was definitely going to be the hardest job Clarke ever had. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. first night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The waiting room was suspiciously empty when Clarke arrived. There was an unspoken agreement by any medical staff to never mention a shift being slow. The second anyone put emphasis on it, it became the opposite. It was <em> science </em>. The day shift staff were mostly standing around and doing paperwork as she followed Dr. Kane to her new office. Clarke never had her own office before. In the surgical unit, she only shared an office with three other doctors. Clarke had rarely used it. </p><p>“Clarke,” the other Dr. Griffin said from behind them. </p><p>When she and Kane turned around, her mother was walked toward them. They had already talked about Clarke’s new job and her mom seemed happy despite Clarke’s hesitance to tell both of her parents. Contrary to her own belief, her mom agreed that it would strength their relationship to work opposite shifts. The two Griffin women had always been close unless they were fighting about a diagnosis.  </p><p>“I just came to tell you good luck before I go home,” Abby said.  </p><p>“Thanks, mom,” Clarke said as they hugged. “Tell dad I said hi.” </p><p>When they pulled away from each other, Abby nervously fixed Clarke’s hair. She had been against Clarke cutting it short, but it was so much easier to fix now. Clarke was lucky to get more than five minutes to shower. The night shift doctors got two days of the week off, but they were on call one of those days for emergencies only.  </p><p>Clarke heard the automatic double doors slide closed. Someone was suddenly too close to them. She knew exactly who it was from her smell alone. </p><p>“Tell Jake I said hi, too,” Lexa said with her classic, wide smile.  </p><p>“Oh, Lex,” Abby said. She threw her arms around Lexa as if they had not seen each other in years. “I’m so glad Clarke is working with you again.” </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes behind her mom which made Lexa smirk. Abby was openly obsessed with Lexa Woods. No one had been more heartbroken about Clarke and Lexa’s breakup than Abby. Jake, being ex-military himself, understood why they had ended their three year relationship. He was upset about it, too, though. </p><p>“Should have known your daughter would find some excuse to see me, Abby,” Lexa said, sighing and shrugging like it was an obvious statement. </p><p>Clarke thought it was ridiculous that Lexa was still allowed to call her Abby. No one else in this hospital could do that. Only her daughter and <em> Lexa  </em>apparently.  </p><p>Lexa winked over Abby’s shoulder while her and Kane talked. The four of them turned around when they heard paramedics talking loudly over one another. They pushed a stretcher in from the ambulance bay and a man laid on it, only half-conscious.  </p><p>“Passed out at a work sight,” a paramedic said as Clarke and Lexa approached.  </p><p>The man was immediately wheeled into a trauma room. The paramedics caught Clarke up on his symptoms as Lexa listened to his heart and his lungs. Once they were gone, the day shift nurses came in to take care of the admission procedures. Clarke and Lexa moved out of their way. </p><p>“Carbon monoxide poisoning,” the two said at the same time. </p><p>Clarke opened her mouth to speak but stopped when Lexa did the same thing. “I’ll tell the nurses to start him on oxygen therapy,” Lexa said. “Don’t you have chief duties?” </p><p>As Clarke was about to argue, Lexa only grinned and started for the locker room to change. Lexa was not the boss type, so there was no way she was jealous of Clarke's new position. Lexa just liked to get under Clarke’s skin.  </p><p>“Chief!” Raven called as she entered the hospital. </p><p>Raven was eating a giant burrito wrapped in foil. Pieces of it fell to the ground as she walked over to them. When one of the nurses almost slipped on an onion, she shot Raven a dirty look behind her back.  </p><p>“Don’t call me that, Rae,” Clarke said. “It makes me feel weird.” </p><p>“Get used to it, boss,” Raven said with her mouth full. Only Raven could talk and spit food from her mouth without anyone wanting to punch her. Everything the woman did was so sincere. People adjusted to Raven. Not the other way around. </p><p>While the night shift doctors trickled in, Clarke changed into plain blue scrubs. It was hospital policy for them to wear blue scrubs but somehow Raven got to wear jeans every night without anyone telling her to change. Clarke had no plans to get on Raven’s bad side on her first night as their boss. She had no plans to ever tell Raven to change. It was her <em>thing</em>.</p><p>“Is this what you night shift people do all night?” Indra asked as Clarke approached the nurses’ station. Lexa, Raven, Lincoln, and Octavia stood around her to listen. “It’s amazing that I see nurses in trauma rooms while you surgeons stand around doing nothing.” </p><p>Clarke smiled at that. There was a reason she wanted Indra with her. The two women got along well, and Indra was a person who got things done. The promotion to chief nurse was something Indra should have received years ago.  </p><p>Lexa was leaned over the counter so she could watch Indra typing on the computer. “We like to be close because you light up our lives,” she said with a cheesy grin. She pointed at something on Indra’s screen. “No, write pure oxygen. He can go home in four hours.” </p><p>Indra slapped her hand away. “Dr. Woods, I have been a nurse longer than you have been alive,” she argued. “I know what I’m doing. Go away.” </p><p>Clarke chuckled as she stopped in front all of them and beside Indra behind the counter. They looked toward her expectantly. Clarke momentarily forgot about her new chief position.  </p><p>“You all know what to do,” Clarke said. “Whatever Indra said.” </p><p>Lincoln and Wells walked toward the trauma rooms to begin rounds and Octavia grabbed a chart from the counter. Indra nodded toward Clarke before starting off to help the guys. Only Lexa and Clarke remained by the nurses’ station. She was starting to notice a pattern. They always seemed to be stuck places together. </p><p>“How’s your fancy neurosurgeon boyfriend?” Lexa asked.  </p><p>Clarke was surprised Lexa had brought Finn up at all. No one really asked about him or brought him up when they were hanging out, even outside of the hospital. Their friends were afraid of hurting Lexa's feelings and Clarke was thankful for that. She usually did not want to talk about Finn anyway.  </p><p>“He’s fine,” she replied. “He's at a conference in San Antonio for the week.” </p><p>“Probably gets a fat per diem check, too,” Lexa said. “We’re lucky to get reimbursed for mileage around here.” </p><p>It was true. Their hospital would never be known for making a ton of money. The doctors that worked here had bleeding hearts and allowed too many people in who lacked insurance. Most never paid the hospital back for surgeries performed when they did not have insurance. Despite knowing that, the surgeons here saved them anyway. </p><p>“Want to tell me again why you’re slumming it here with us?” Lexa asked, reaching for a clipboard behind the desk. “You never answered Lincoln’s question last night.” </p><p>Clarke tried to think of a good answer. It was not the raise or the hours. She could not admit to herself why she had changed shifts. Clarke could blame Kane's guilt but that was not it either. “I’ll get back to you on that, yeah?” she asked. Clarke did not give the woman time to reply before walking off and into an OR. </p><p>Around two am, a new intern arrived. Lexa, Lincoln, and Raven were conveniently too busy to show him around suddenly, so it was left to Clarke. John Murphy seemed like a nice enough person, but it was not easy to fit into this group. Once done with the tour, she handed him off to shadow Lincoln for the night.  </p><p>“Incoming!” Indra shouted.  </p><p>Raven closed a trauma door as she emerged to help the paramedics. Her steps only faltered once when she noticed the paramedic on duty tonight. </p><p>“GSW to the left arm,” Kyle Wick said. “Flesh wound only. She’s stable but it’ll need stitches.” </p><p>Lexa stepped past a frozen Raven to help the paramedics move the woman into a room. She pulled the curtain closed to give the woman privacy. “Earth to Reyes,” Lexa said, snapping her fingers in front of the woman’s face. </p><p>Raven pushed her shoulder roughly which made Lexa laugh. Wick stepped out of the makeshift room and walked to the station to fill out all the paperwork. Indra handed him the clipboard.  </p><p>“Who shot her?” Raven asked. She leaned against the counter and stared up at his face. Wick was the only person to turn the usually stoic Raven into a blubbering mess. </p><p>“The husband,” he replied without looking up. “Police arrested him.” </p><p>“That’s good,” Raven said.  </p><p>Wick’s partner loaded the stretcher back into the ambulance and closed the back doors. “Ready when you are, Wick!” she called before climbing into the driver’s seat. </p><p>“See you later, man,” Lincoln said as the paramedic left for the ambulance bay again. </p><p>“When are you gonna ask him out?” Octavia asked as soon as the doors closed. “You’ve been into him for like a year now. It’s getting pathetic.” </p><p>“I swear to god, O,” Raven said, pointing at her. “I’ll ban you from surgeries for a month if you say one more word about it.” </p><p>“Only Clarke can do that now,” Octavia replied. She stuck her tongue out at Raven. </p><p>Clarke looked up when she heard her name. She threw a chart at Octavia. “Leave Rae alone, O,” she said. “She’s nervous. Now, finish this up for the patient in room three. He can go when you’re done.” </p><p>“I am <em> not  </em>nervous!” Raven shouted at the back of Octavia’s head. “Just for the record.” </p><p>Indra snapped her fingers in Raven’s face until the woman rolled her eyes and walked off to finally do her job. “I like her,” Indra commented. </p><p>A half an hour later, Clarke sat beside the gunshot victim’s bed as she stitched up the wound. The nurses had cleaned it and made sure it would not get infected. The woman was now resting comfortably. Since Wick dropped her off, she had been sobbing uncontrollably. The incident must have been very traumatic for the poor woman. </p><p>“Why are you standing over my shoulder, Lexa?” Clarke asked. The feeling was distracting but not enough to mess up the stitching.  </p><p>“Just watching,” Lexa said. She rolled one of the stools over and sat beside the bed. “I feel sorry for her.” </p><p>“Me too,” Clarke said.  </p><p>Lexa eventually left the room when she heard another ambulance arrive. The pressure was automatically lifted from Clarke’s shoulders once she was alone. When she emerged from the trauma room, two paramedics were filling out paperwork beside a child on a stretcher. Lexa was talking to the small boy with a broken leg. </p><p>“I’ll get scrubbed up for the surgery,” Lexa said. “Send Raven in when you find her.” </p><p>Clarke nodded. “Hey, Costia,” she said. “So, this is where you disappeared to. I was wondering why I didn’t see you during my shifts upstairs anymore.” </p><p>“It’s just easier to work night shift now,” she said. Costia shrugged with an easy smile. “With Lexa and all.” </p><p>Clarke’s heart sunk in her chest just a bit. “What about Lexa?” she asked. </p><p>The woman’s eyes grew wide and slightly panicked. She grabbed her clipboard once more and walked backwards toward the ambulance bay. “See you later, Griffin,” she said, waving. </p><p>Clarke could not stop thinking about it all night. The rest of the shift flew by. She slipped into the locker room to change into her civilian clothes at six am. Raven was already sitting on the bench to put her tennis shoes on. </p><p>“Not too bad for your first shift, chief,” Raven said. </p><p>“Yeah,” she replied. “It’s definitely more chaotic than the surgical unit. I already knew it would be though.” </p><p>“Makes time go by fast,” Raven said, standing. She grabbed her backpack and put her arms through the handles. “See you tomorrow, chief.” </p><p>Clarke chuckled as she watched Raven leave. A sandwich had magically appeared in Raven’s hand. Clarke was incredibly jealous of the woman’s metabolism. Anything Clarke ate, her body paid dearly for. Her thirties had been brutal thus far. </p><p>“You out of here?” Lexa asked, leaning against the lockers. </p><p>“Yes,” she said. “It’ll be weird sleeping with the sun out. It'll be hard to adjust to that.” </p><p>“Get blackout curtains,” Lexa suggested.  </p><p>Clarke looked up to say something else, but she would have been speaking to thin air. It was hard for Clarke to imagine Costia waiting for Lexa in bed or vice versa. But this was their reality now. They no longer went home together. They had not gone home together for two years now. </p><p>Her apartment was thankfully quiet when Clarke got home. Everyone else in her building was out at work for the day. She barely had the motivation to shower but, when she lay in her bed with a clean body and wet hair, she was thankful she somehow mustered the energy.  </p><p>Before she fell asleep, she remembered how Lexa used to wash her hair in their old apartment bathtub after long shifts. Thankfully, she slept dreamlessly. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. surprise visit</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Raven was laid out on the break room couch when Clarke entered. She had a blanket covering her face to block out the light from the hallway. Clarke poured coffee into a Styrofoam cup before plopping down in one of the chairs. She propped her legs up on the dirty ottoman in front of her. Pressure caused by the swelling in her feet dissipated a bit. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had spent the past four hours performing an emergency laminectomy on a woman who suddenly lost feeling in her legs. Her two young children were the ones who called 911. A police officer had driven them to the hospital since they could not be left alone without an adult present. Lexa had bought the kids ice cream cones to take their minds off the stressful situation. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop staring at me, Griffin,” Raven mumbled from underneath the blanket. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How did you know it was me?” she asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven scoffed and threw the blanket off her body. It landed on the chair beside Clarke. “Give me a little credit,” Raven said. “I could feel your beady little eyes from anywhere.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke smirked as she leaned back. This chair was normally uncomfortable but, right now, it felt like heaven. Her body was exhausted from three straight days of twelve hour shifts and the adjustment in her sleep schedule. Clarke was lucky to get five hours of sleep a day. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lincoln stepped into the break room and poured himself a cup of coffee, too. He pushed the blanket on the ground before taking the other chair. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Spill it, Linc,” Raven said. “What’s Murphy like?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s fine,” Lincoln said. “He’s... laidback. Sometimes too laidback. Like... I can’t tell if he even wants to be here most days.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe he’s a trust fund baby,” Raven said. “Do you know where he went to school?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Harvard,” he replied. “Rae’s probably right. Family of doctors probably paid for his school. Kid probably had no other option but become an MD. We’ve seen it before.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke shrugged. She watched Lexa walk by the break room window. Her hair was pulled up tonight. </span>
  <span>Costia</span>
  <span> was standing at the nurses’ station, she noticed, and Lexa leaned against it to talk quietly. Indra said something and shooed </span>
  <span>Costia</span>
  <span> toward the doors as Lexa laughed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a disaster waiting to happen,” Lincoln said as he watched the scene unfold through the glass.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you </span>
  <span>mean?” Clarke</span>
  <span> asked. Her heart was suddenly pounding. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The whole friends with </span>
  <span>benefits</span>
  <span> thing never works out,” he said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was not sure if she felt relieved or upset by the news. Obviously, things could escalate between the two women and they could begin dating more seriously. For now, she had no room to worry about it. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke stood and stretched. “I have to get back to work,” she said. “Raven, you’ve got the next surgery that comes in.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Deal,” Raven said as she laid back down on the couch.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lincoln and Clarke walked out of the break room together. She froze when she saw who was standing in the middle of the lobby. “Finn,” she said, walking towards him. “Hi. You didn’t tell me you were coming today.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finn had called last week and said he had plans to visit her at work sometime soon. She had been dreading it. Mixing personal and work lives was </span>
  <span>usually</span>
  <span> a </span>
  <span>normal</span>
  <span> thing but working with her ex made things weird for Finn. When she told him about the chief position, his first question was about Lexa. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Doesn’t Lexa work the night shift in ER?” Finn asked.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes,” she answered. “Does that matter? I’m in love with you. Not her.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know, babe,” he replied. “Congratulations.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finn smiled as he hugged and kissed her cheek. “Hi, babe,” he said. “My flight just got in. Thought I’d stop by on my way to your apartment.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stepped out of the way as two paramedics pushed a stretcher through the automatic doors. Clarke leaned against the counter as she looked at him. He looked tired but there was also a little anxiety in his expression. His eyes flickered over to Lexa when she emerged from a trauma room. She was talking to a nurse about something on the patient’s chart.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I should get going,” Finn said. He leaned in to kiss her fully this time. She kissed him back for just a moment.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll see you when I get home, okay?” she asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Finn left, she glanced over at Lexa. She had watched the interaction. Clarke did not have time to process that before they heard sirens just outside the door from an ambulance parking. Raven groaned as she ran from the break room, pulling the stethoscope around her neck. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wick and Luna pushed someone inside. Raven ran beside Wick as he spoke, “Pulse ox is dropping. We had her on oxygen the entire way here. Husband said she randomly started choking. Hasn’t had an asthma attack since she was a kid. Doesn’t look like asthma to me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven listened to the woman’s lungs. “Lungs sound clear,” she said. “That doesn’t make any sense.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke moved to the other side of the bed and opened the woman’s mouth. She used a flashlight to look down her throat. “There’s something in her throat,” she said. “Hand me the forceps.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman started to claw at her throat in a panic. Raven was handed a syringe by Indra and she injected it into the woman’s thigh. Her arms grew weaker until Wick and Raven could hold them down. The patient lay still after the drugs too effect. Raven held her jaw open as Clarke removed the object obstructing her throat. Once out, she dropped the forceps and whatever came out </span>
  <span>into a</span>
  <span> metal basin. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nice work, doctors,” Wick said as he stripped off his gloves. He threw them into the trashcan by the door as he walked out of the room. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked at Raven, waiting for her to follow him into the lobby. When Raven did not, she nodded her head at the door. ‘Go,’ Clarke mouthed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven snapped off her gloves and followed him out the door quickly. Clarke smiled to herself. The nurses took over and set up an IV until the woman was stable enough to go home. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know what was in her throat?” Lexa asked the second she exited the room.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Clarke answered. “It looked like a piece of paper or something.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Weird,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven was talking to Wick near the nurses’ station. Clarke watched them for a moment before starting down the hall with Lexa at her side. Clarke pushed open the door to her office. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So... the neurosurgeon’s in town?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He has a name, Lex,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa pushed some charts to the side and sat on Clarke’s desk. There was something on the woman’s mind, Clarke could tell. Lexa always got quiet and less playful when she was thinking too hard. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anya called last night,” Lexa finally said. “She wants to stay with me for a few days.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you aren’t happy about that?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa and Anya were in combat together. They met overseas in Afghanistan. When Lexa retired from active duty, Anya signed on for five more years despite Lexa’s protests. Clarke and Lexa had still been dating when Lexa retired.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She calls sometimes in the middle of the day going on about someone breaking into her apartment and hearing gunshots,” Lexa said. “And she still has three years of active duty left.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sighed. All the military doctors on the night shift suffered from some form of PTSD. Lexa may have been hit the worst, but Lincoln and Raven had their own symptoms. Lexa’s PTSD played a role in their breakup. Lexa had been so depressed when she returned from Afghanistan. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It still made Clarke feel guilty when she thought about their breakup. Lexa refused therapy. Clarke had practically begged Lexa, on her knees, to just try a session with the VA appointed therapist. Clarke warned Lexa that she would have to leave if Lexa did not try to get help. That night, Lexa awoke from a particularly bad nightmare. Clarke turned their lamp on to try and calm her girlfriend down to find a gun pointed at her. It was the second time Lexa had done it. When Clarke woke up the next morning, Lexa’s bags were packed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe you can convince her to try the VA,” Clarke said. “They’ll find her a good therapist. Exposure therapy worked well for you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anya isn’t me,” Lexa said. “But I’ll try.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you either way,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m excited to see her, too,” Lexa said with a smile. “She leaves again in a few weeks.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke glanced down at Lexa’s hands where she was unconsciously twisting them in her lap. The thought of combat still bothered Lexa. It would probably bother her for the rest of her life. But at </span>
  <span>least</span>
  <span> now Clarke did not worry for Lexa’s safety. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyway,” Lexa said, sliding off her desk once more. “Back to work, Clarke.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s Dr. Griffin to you!” she said as Lexa walked back into the hallway. Clarke smiled when she heard Lexa’s laugh. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was not until their shift was almost over that Clarke found out what had been in the woman’s throat. She had been right about the paper. It was a receipt, but they could not read where it was from. The nurses tried to ask the woman what had happened. When Clarke entered the room, the woman recognized her and sighed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” she whispered. “For saving me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke glanced down at her chart. “You’re welcome, Jane,” she replied. “What happened?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I... it’s a long story,” Jane replied. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke nodded at the nurses to leave. She rolled a stool over to the bed and sat down. “I have the time,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I tried swallowing a receipt from a restaurant,” Jane said. “I... I didn’t want my husband to find it. He would have killed me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is he abusive?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not... not physically,” Jane replied. “I’ve been seeing someone. I know it’s wrong but... my husband is so mean and... Mike’s nice to me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sighed and rubbed the woman’s hand gently. “You should consider moving forward with a divorce,” she said. “You’ll be happier.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jane nodded as Clarke stood again. She left the room and went to find Lexa. The woman was sitting on a bench outside in the ambulance bay. Clarke sat on the other side.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She swallowed a receipt to hide her boyfriend from her husband,” Clarke said, sighing.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa glanced over at Clarke and took a sip of the water in her hand. She messed with the straw for a moment. “Sounds complicated,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Clarke said softly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat in silence for a while before Lexa stood and went inside. Clarke rubbed her tired eyes. After another minute or two, she went inside to change out of her scrubs.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven, Lincoln, Lexa, Octavia, and Clarke walked through the parking lot together as the sun rose. Raven and Lincoln were setting up a time to train on their day off tomorrow. Octavia agreed to go, too. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa, Clarke, you all in?” Raven asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am,” Lexa said. She looked over at Clarke and raised an eyebrow.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Finn’s..” she started, motioning toward her own car. Clarke’s friends nodded in understanding. Finn would only be here for a few days and tomorrow was the only day she would have off to spend with him. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa turned and pulled open her car door. “Don’t know when you turned boring, Clarke,” Lexa said over the hood of her car. “Must be the neurosurgeon.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke rolled her eyes but there was a smile on her face. “I turned boring when my age passed twenty-nine,” she replied. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you are the oldest one,” Lexa teased. “Someone has to be mature.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke gasped, jokingly, and threw her water bottle at the woman. She caught it easily. Lexa laughed as she got into her car and drove away.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. feelings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Clarke walked through the double doors from the ambulance bay two days later, she heard loud laughter. Raven, Lexa, and Anya were standing in the lobby. Clarke saw Lincoln turn the corner and disappear down the hall. He was not in his scrubs yet. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I totally kicked your ass, Lincoln!” Anya shouted as he started for the locker room. “Make sure you tell your girl.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shut up, Anya!” Lincoln shouted back.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa laughed as she leaned against the counter. She spotted Clarke behind Anya and grinned. When Clarke got behind the woman, she put her hands on her own waist.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And here I thought you loved me,” Clarke said. “You didn’t even call.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya turned when she heard Clarke’s voice and wrapped her arms around the blonde’s shoulders. Clarke smiled against her shoulder as she hugged back. It had been so long since she last saw </span>
  <span>Anya,</span>
  <span> but she still looked the exact same. Anya was a person who never aged. She always looked twenty-one and it was not fair.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do love you, babe,” Anya said, kissing her cheek. “It’s Lexa’s own fault. She demanded </span>
  <span>all of</span>
  <span> my attention.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure she did,” Clarke said. She grinned as she held </span>
  <span>Anya’s</span>
  <span> face and checked her over. “No new wounds for me to take care of for you. Since you're still fighting.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya winked. “There’s still plenty of things you could take care of for me, Dr. Griffin,” she joked, smirking at Clarke.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Lexa said. She stepped between them and pushed on Anya’s shoulders to move her away. “Enough flirting.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa turned Anya so she was faced the other way and led her around the corner. It made Clarke laugh. They used to flirt all the time to mess with Lexa. </span>
  <span>Before they broke up, Lexa would get all worked up about it. It always made Anya laugh. Of course, neither were serious about it.</span>
  <span> Anya was already a flirty person. She was hilarious and a good friend to Lexa which was what mattered to Clarke. Lexa and Anya were so much alike that it was scary sometimes. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke changed into her scrubs before hitting the floor. There were already a few people waiting to be seen by a doctor. She had the nurses put them in trauma rooms once Clarke determined if they should be admitted or not. Raven and Anya were back in the lobby, Raven in her scrubs and Anya in her classic leather biker jacket. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke,” Anya called. “You got a second?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke nodded and motioned toward an empty trauma room. She sat on one of the rolling stools while Anya sat on the bed. “Lexa... she told you about everything, didn’t she?” Anya asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She told me about you calling her and stuff,” Clarke said. “She didn’t tell me too much about it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya sighed and rubbed a hand down her face. “It isn’t a big deal, you know?” she asked. “I only have three years left and I'll be done. I'll do the VA stuff then.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just worry about you,” she said. “You remember how Lexa got.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I remember,” Anya said. “I’m not like that. Mine isn’t that bad.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, if you ever need me,” Clarke started. “I’ll be here for you. No matter what. Anytime.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wish you and Lexa had been able to work it out,” Anya said. “You two had that soulmate love, you know?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke felt a sudden, sharp stab to her heart. She knew exactly what Anya was talking about. It was not something she was ready to deal with right now. Clarke was better than she had been a year ago. Clarke had been very hung up on Lexa the year following their breakup. After that year, she slowly fell into a post-Lexa life. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finn had come into her life six months ago and she was still not sure where he fit in her new life. Maybe it was wrong, but she liked that Finn spent most of his time across the country. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Incoming!” Indra shouted from the lobby.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke took </span>
  <span>Anya’s</span>
  <span> hand and squeezed it gently. “You’ll be okay,” she promised. “Find me before you leave.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya nodded as Clarke left the room to see who was coming in with the paramedics. Wick and Luna were on duty again tonight. A little while later, Clarke and Lexa were scrubbed up in an OR room and standing over the patient on the table. Clarke made the incision as Lexa used the suction. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How was your day off with the neurosurgeon?” Lexa asked as they worked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was fine,” she answered. Clarke handed Lexa the scalpel and held her hand out for the forceps. “He’s back in California now.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa hummed as Clarke removed the obstruction from the boy's body and dropped the toy into the basin. The child had swallowed a toy car to keep his brother from stealing it. It had gotten stuck which almost caused a rupture.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you call him ‘the neurosurgeon?’” Clarke asked. She handed the stitching equipment to Lexa so the woman could start closing the wound.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t like his real name,” Lexa said easily. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke glanced up at her face and saw that she was serious. “You don’t like his name,” she repeated. “Okay. That isn’t what I was expecting you to say.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What were you expecting me to say?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke cut one of the strings and added it to the basin. “Not that,” she replied. “So... what’s </span>
  <span>Costia</span>
  <span> like outside of the hospital?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s hand froze for a second when Clarke asked. She regained her composure and finished the last suture. “I wouldn’t know,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The gauze now covered the patient’s wound. Both doctors exited the OR so the nurses could finish up. They stripped off their operating gowns and pulled off their gloves. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lincoln said you two were hooking up,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lincoln has a big mouth,” she said. Lexa threw everything away in the trash can by the door before pushing it open. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was no way Clarke was going to let it go. She followed her out the swinging doors. “So, he’s right?” she asked. “I’m asking as a friend, you know.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at the blonde as they walked toward the </span>
  <span>lobby</span>
  <span> together. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course,” Clarke replied. “I can just ask Anya. She’ll tell me the truth.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not lying, Clarke,” Lexa said. “I don’t really know what she’s like </span>
  <span>outside</span>
  <span> of the hospital. We don’t spend much time talking.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>A shiver went down </span>
  <span>Clarke’s</span>
  <span> spine that she could not explain. Lexa glanced at her, but Clarke kept her eyes forward. “It’s a casual thing?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess so,” Lexa replied. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke grabbed her patient’s chart from the slot on the wall outside of a trauma room. She flipped through a couple of the pages to find what she was looking for. “Can you find Mr. Wilson’s x-rays for me?” she asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa broke into a huge, cocky smile. “Oh my god, Clarke Griffin is </span>
  <em>
    <span>jealous</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The stupid smile on Lexa’s face made Clarke want to punch and kiss her all at once. It was maddening. “Find me the x-rays,” Clarke said more seriously now.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, ma’am,” she said, smirking. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke did not realize she was watching the woman walk away until Lexa looked back, over her shoulder, and caught her eye. The grin on Lexa’s face now was sincere. She turned down the other hall and was out of sight.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>At the end of their shift, everyone congregated in the locker room. Everyone was exhausted. Clarke was sitting against the lockers, on the ground, while Raven and Lincoln laid across the benches. Octavia sat across the room from Clarke on the ground. Lexa was the last to join them. Anya had gone back to </span>
  <span>Lexa’s</span>
  <span> apartment a few hours ago. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she saw them all sitting in silence, Lexa sat against the lockers near Clarke. Everyone else had just about fallen asleep. Clarke and Lexa were looking at each other with small smiles on their faces. Slowly, Clarke’s hand slid across the ground as they both turned to look forward. Clarke leaned her head back against the metal locker and closed her eyes. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, her hand found Lexa’s. Their pinkies pressed together until Lexa wrapped her own finger around Clarke’s. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. emergencies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next day, Clarke stepped into the gym and was hit with the familiar smell. It was terrible but, mercifully, she adjusted quickly. Clarke regretted coming here immediately. Already, she saw Lexa wearing her tight pants. Her was hair in a braid all the way down her back. She wondered who did her hair since that used to be Clarke’s job. She decided that Anya had. Her mind could not rationalize Costia fixing Lexa’s hair. </p><p>Lexa and Raven were wrapping their hands when Clarke approached. Both women turned, smiling. Raven seemed surprised that Clarke was there at all.  </p><p>“Did you come to watch me beat Lexa?” Raven asked.  </p><p>“No offense, Rae,” Clarke said. “But that has <em> never  </em>happened and I’m not sure that it ever will.” </p><p>Raven scoffed as Lexa finished wrapping her hand. Lexa blew Clarke a kiss as she ducked into the boxing ring.  </p><p>“One day, I’m going to take you down, Woods,” Raven said as she followed.  </p><p>“Looking forward to it,” Lexa replied casually.  </p><p>Clarke sat on the ground near the ring to watch them. Her eyes followed the two of them as they went through their beginning routines. Watching them was like watching a dance. They moved fluidly together.  </p><p>Raven and Lexa served overseas together. When Lexa returned to work at the hospital a year into her five-year commitment, Raven followed. The hospital hired Raven on the spot. Clarke started at the hospital one year after Raven and two years into Lexa’s enlistment.  </p><p>The three of them became friends immediately. They were all working night shift then, too. Clarke and Lexa hid their relationship from everyone for a while. They feared that it would bother the people they worked with or change the way people saw them. They especially worried that their bosses would want them working separate shifts.  </p><p>“Raven, come on,” Lexa said. “You’re holding out on me.” </p><p>Raven hit Lexa harder now which made Clarke flinch with every punch. She never understood their fighting. </p><p>There was commotion from behind them and Clarke looked back to see a man lying motionless on the ground. She ran over. Other people in the gym surrounded him.  </p><p>“Move out of the way, assholes,” Raven said, shoving her way through the crowd. "We're doctors."</p><p>Lexa got down on her knees on the other side of the man as Clarke tore open his shirt. She began chest compressions. “OD,” Clarke whispered. “Call 911.” </p><p>Lexa spoke to the emergency line, explaining the situation quickly and reminding them that she was, in fact, a doctor. She already knew exactly what was happening but lacked the proper supplies to bring this man back to life.  </p><p>When the paramedics arrived, Raven was suddenly very distracted by Wick entering the gym. Wick injected the man with a drug, and he immediately woke with a very audible gasp. Clarke pulled Lexa back as the man vomited where she had previously stood. The man denied going to the hospital and all they could do after that was suggest a rehab facility. He left quickly.  </p><p>“You did all you could do, Clarke,” Lexa said as they walked back toward the ring. “You saved his life.” </p><p>“I know,” she replied. “I’m sure he’ll be in another hospital for the same reason soon. One day, he won’t be lucky.” </p><p>“You know how drug addicts are, Clarke,” Lexa said. “It sucks but they have to be the ones to get off. No one can do it for them. Here. Let me and Rae take your mind off his shitty situation. You can watch me kick Raven’s ass.” </p><p>Clarke pouted, childishly. “That <em>would</em> make me feel better,” she said. </p><p>Lexa smiled and sat Clarke back down where she had been before. “Sit here,” she said. </p><p>They looked back to see what was keeping Raven and noticed Wick still lingering by the door. Clarke was not sure why the two of them still had not gone on a date. Wick seemed to like Raven and everyone knew Raven liked him. The man finally left, so Raven sauntered back over to them. There seemed to be a frown on her face that had not been before.  </p><p>“Stupid men,” Raven was grumbling as she climbed into the ring. “I hate ‘em.”  </p><p>“What happened?” Lexa asked. She climbed over the ropes to join her.  </p><p>“Nothing,” she said, slapping her taped hands together. “Let’s get back to it then. I’m not gonna let the junkie ruin my day.”  </p><p>There seemed to be a new spark in Raven that neither had seen before. She was focused and strong. Of course, Raven had always been strong. But this was an angry Raven. Something had happened with Wick but they knew her well enough not to ask yet. Instead, Raven <em>finally</em> beat Lexa.  </p><p>An hour later, there was a new and dark bruise on Lexa’s jaw. Raven was being much too smug about the whole thing and Clarke was worried.  </p><p>They still had to work tonight. Clarke drove herself home and grabbed clean scrubs before starting toward the hospital. Finn wanted to talk as she drove. He told her about some new, experimental surgery he was getting to perform next week. He went on and on about a compliment his boss had given him. He did not ask about how things were going with her and she wondered if he was scared to.  </p><p>Clarke knew she had to end things with Finn. Every time she heard his voice now, her stomach filled with dread. Even this breakup reminded her of the breakup that had truly broken her heart, but it was inevitable with Finn.  </p><p>“Dr. Griffin,” Kane greeted as she exited the locker room. “How are things going?”  </p><p>“I think they’re going well,” Clarke said. “I couldn’t ask for a better team.”  </p><p>Kane’s cell phone rang then and he had to run off to another part of the hospital. She walked to the nurses station to find Indra.  </p><p>“Got anything for me?” Clarke asked.  </p><p>“Not yet,” Indra replied. “But I’m sure something will come up. Dr. Reyes is already in surgery if you want to make check on it. I would like to give the girl’s family an update.”  </p><p>Clarke found Raven in OR 3 behind a crowd of surgical nurses. She scrubbed up quickly and joined her. “What’s going on?” she asked.  </p><p>“Indra?” Raven asked, knowingly.  </p><p>“Yes,” she said. “But I would also like to know.”  </p><p>“Just a standard appendectomy,” Raven replied. “They didn’t have an opening upstairs, so I had to do it here or she would have gotten worse.”  </p><p>“Good job,” Clarke said.  </p><p>She watched Raven carefully stitch the teenage girl up, but Clarke could tell that whatever had happened earlier was still bothering her. Raven was not a person who got upset easily.  </p><p>As they got undressed and washed up to return to the trauma floor, Clarke asked, “What happened earlier? With Wick?”  </p><p>“Nothing,” Raven said. “Nothing will <em> ever  </em>happen because the asshole’s engaged.”  </p><p>“What?” Clarke asked. “He’s engaged?” </p><p>Raven just nodded. Clarke was shocked. Wick always seemed to flirt back with Raven when they crossed paths. There was also a rumor that the two of them had sex in a supply closest one time, but it was never confirmed. If that was true, it meant Raven had helped Wick cheat on his fiancée.  </p><p>“Men are the worst, Clarke,” Raven said. “Lexa has the right idea.” </p><p>Lexa was suddenly behind them in the lobby. “Right idea about what?” she asked.  </p><p>“Only dating women,” Raven replied. </p><p>Clarke could argue with that because dating women was almost <em>more</em> complicated than dating men. But gender really did not matter because relationships were complicated no matter what.  </p><p>Clarke saw the confusion written all over Lexa’s face. “Wick’s engaged,” she explained. </p><p>“What a dick,” Lexa said. “I hate him. I hate men.” </p><p>“We know, Lexa,” Clarke teased, patting the top of her head.  </p><p>That made Raven laugh. Lexa grabbed Clarke’s wrist to pull it away from her own head. Lexa’s skin was just as warm and soft as it had ever been. She held Clarke’s wrist until they heard the sirens of another ambulance arriving. </p><p>As Raven ran off to help the paramedics, thankfully not Wick, Clarke turned to face Lexa. "You let Raven win earlier," she said.</p><p>Lexa gasped, dramatically. "I would never," she said. "Raven won fair and square."</p><p>Clarke eyed the dark bruise, now turning dark purple, on Lexa's jaw and neck. "Sure," she said, laughing.</p><p>Lexa winked with a small grin before turning to help the rest of them. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. lies and truths</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke awoke to the sounds of sirens and, for a moment, she thought she had fallen asleep during her shift. But this was not the break room or an on-call room. She was in her apartment. The sirens were coming from the street below and she had nothing to do with it. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She decided that it would be impossible to fall back to sleep now. The shower was too hot, but it soothed her aching muscles. Clarke got dressed and headed down to the hospital. They could always use an extra set of hands. She had nothing else to do anyway. Working was the best distraction she had.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What the hell are you doing here, Griffin?” a nurse asked.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Overtime,” Clarke replied with an easy grin.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke was almost one hundred percent sure that everyone knew she was here because she could not bear sitting in their empty apartment. She had no idea how she was going to handle another two months of Lexa being deployed. This was the first time she had been deployed since they started dating. Lexa had tried to warn her about how spouses normally felt but Clarke thought she was stronger than that. Turns out, Clarke could barely function without Lexa now. That scared her.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When Clarke was alone for too long, she would start to think about Lexa getting hurt. There was a high chance of something happening to Lexa but, thankfully, she was only stationed in Germany. They were doing special training. Lexa had </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>sworn</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> to Clarke that Germany was so much safer than anywhere else. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Clarke?” Lincoln asked as he entered from the ambulance bay. “What are you doing here on your day off?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke shrugged. “Better than sitting around at home, I guess,” she replied. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There was no shortage of emergencies that night. Clarke stayed busy and distracted. Things were not the same without Raven and Lexa. There were no random shouting fits when Lexa brought up Raven losing a boxing match. There was no one there to wink at her and not-so-</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>subtly</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> suggest they sneak off into one of the supply closets. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You want to go on lunch together?” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Lincoln</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> asked. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They walked down to the café together. It was empty as it always was during the </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>nights,</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> but they could still sit at one of the tables to eat the food they brought. The change in scenery was welcome. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Have you talked to Lexa recently?” he asked.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke would rather talk about anything else, but she knew that Lincoln missed them too. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“A few weeks ago,” she said. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Signals are terrible in Afghanistan,” Lincoln said.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“They’re in Germany this time,” Clarke said, sighing. “I just have to wait for her to call me on the communal phone.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lincoln almost choked on his food and nodded quickly. “Right, yeah,” he said. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The two returned to the trauma floor and were greeted with two new emergency patients. They performed one more surgery for the night. Once they were done, their shift was over. Clarke took her time changing out of her scrubs.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Clarke,” Lincoln said. “Let me know if you hear anything, okay?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Of course,” she replied.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke spent a lot of time in the gym when she was not working or sleeping. She visited her parents a lot more. They loved when she came over for dinner. Clarke really loved talking about Lexa with them. She told them about Lexa performing an emergency surgery on the side of the room when a man’s aorta began to tear. She also told them about a boy who came into the ER with odd symptoms. No one knew what was going on until Lexa suggested that he was ‘dry drowning.’ It made perfect sense. The boy had been swimming earlier that day.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Octavia was at the hospital for her next shift. She whistled as she walked down the hall. “Oh, Clarke,” Octavia said when she saw her. “Raven called last night.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Really?” Clarke asked. “That’s awesome. Is everything okay?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Raven, Lexa, and Anya are all doing good,” Octavia said with a smile. “It’s been </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>super hot</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>there</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> but they haven’t gotten more than a sunburn.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wait,” she said. “It’s hot in Germany right now?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, it’s hot in Afghanistan,” she explained.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke was confused. She looked at </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Octavia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> as if the women had lost her mind. “They’re in Germany,” she said.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, they aren’t,” Octavia said. “What are you talking about, Clarke?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Before she could upset Octavia by shouting or doing something else irrational, she turned and walked off quickly. Clarke slid down the lockers and sat on the ground with her forehead on her knees. Her legs were pulled tight to her chest. She had never had a panic attack but this felt like one.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa had lied. Lexa had promised Clarke that she would be safe because she would just be training in Germany with Raven and Anya. Clarke was so angry that she could have screamed. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>For the next three days, Clarke was upset. She could not wait until Lexa called so she could get </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>some kind of explanation</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> for the lies.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa finally called. Clarke picked up the phone as her hands shook. “Hello?” she asked.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi, babe,” Lexa said. Clarke could practically feel her smile through the phone. “God, I miss you so much. I can’t wait to be home with you again. I hope you’re okay. Sorry, sorry. I’ll let you talk some, too, I promise, I’m just so happy to hear from you finally.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke suddenly realized why Lexa had lied. She did not want Clarke to spend her deployment in fear. Lexa had lied because she wanted Clarke to continue with her normal life while she was a gone. Lexa had lied to save Clarke from pain. Instead of anger, Clarke was now filled with even more love for Lexa.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi, Lex,” Clarke said with a grin. “I miss you, too. Everything is fine here. How are you?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m good, sweetheart,” Lexa said. “I hope you haven’t killed all my plants.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke looked over at the brown, dry plants on their balcony. Her silence made Lexa laugh. The sound made Clarke’s heart swell. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“How is it that you can bring a man back to life after being dead for three minutes, but you can’t keep some ivy alive?” Lexa teased.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m complex,” she replied.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Clearly,” Lexa said. “Raven and Anya are doing good, too. You’ll never believe what happened the other day. Anya stole </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Raven’s</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> sandwich...”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Griffin!” Lexa shouted from beside her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke broke free from her thoughts and shook her head. “Sorry,” she said. “What?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I asked if you wanted to assist me with a surgery,” Lexa said. “I figured you should be there j</span>
  <span>ust</span>
  <span> in case something goes wrong. It’s a heart surgery.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke had almost become a cardiologist. She had even had an attending job on a cardiac unit for two years. Then she got the offer from this hospital through her mom and decided to go into trauma instead. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” she replied. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They took their time scrubbing up in OR five and Lexa was going through the procedures out loud as she prepared. Lexa was taking </span>
  <span>lead</span>
  <span> even though Clarke had more experience in the area. She trusted that Lexa would do well. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man’s chest was opened to reveal his heart and Lexa’s fingers worked expertly. As expected, Lexa did an amazing job and saved his life. Clarke finished stitching him up. She joined Lexa in the prep room to undress.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you remember your first deployment?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You mean after we started dating?” Lexa asked, letting her hair down once more. “Germany?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke smiled to herself as she pulled the booties off and stepped through the swinging doors. When Lexa followed, Clarke said, “Germany, yes.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, don’t you?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Know what?” Clarke asked, raising an eyebrow at the woman beside her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa laughed softly and shoved her hands into the pockets of her scrub top. “When did you find out?” she asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A month into you being gone,” Clarke admitted.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>This did surprise Lexa, but she also seemed impressed. “And you kept it from me for two years?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke chuckled and nodded. “And you say I’m a bad liar,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa pulled Clarke into the locker room and pushed her against the wall. Clarke looked down at her mouth before looking back up into her green eyes. Her breath was caught in her throat. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me you don’t want to kiss me right now,” Lexa whispered.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her hand still held Clarke’s, roughly against the concrete wall, and Lexa was looking at her the way Clarke used to love. Lexa was looking at Clarke like she <em>needed</em> her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I... I... I,” Clarke mumbled. “I don’t. I have a boyfriend.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words fought her on the way out, but they were true. Doing this with Lexa now would change everything they had worked so hard to create. It would open wounds that had long ago been treated.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Still a bad liar, babe,” Lexa whispered.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was left panting, her entire body flushed, staring at the bathrooms.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. secrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Give me those!” Raven shouted. She jumped and pulled at Lexa’s arm to reach whatever she was holding over her head.  </p><p>Clarke stopped in the lobby, having just arrived, and watched the scene unfold. Lexa was laughing as she held something small and black over her head. Raven was practically clawing at the woman’s arm to get to it.</p><p>Raven groaned when she spotted Clarke. “Tell her to give it back,” she begged. </p><p>“What is it?” Clarke asked, moving closer. </p><p>Lexa smiled hugely as she showed Clarke the underwear in her hand. Raven snatched them and shoved the underwear into her scrubs pocket. She shoved Lexa’s shoulder roughly which made Lexa stumble backwards a bit. Lexa laughed anyway. </p><p>“You want to tell the chief, or should I?” Lexa asked Raven. </p><p>Raven looked around to make sure no one was listening or standing too close. “I slept with Anya, okay? We didn’t plan it,” she said. “I accidentally left these in Lexa’s apartment last night.” </p><p>Clarke’s jaw dropped open. “You what?” she asked.  </p><p>Lexa smirked as she watched Clarke’s reaction. “I was out with Lincoln last night,” Lexa explained.  </p><p>It felt like Lexa put extra emphasis on Lincoln’s name. She stared curiously at Lexa for a moment too long before looking back at Raven. Clarke was still shocked by the news. She might not believe it if she had not heard it from Raven herself.  </p><p>“Where is Anya now?” Clarke asked. </p><p>“She flew back home to pack,” Lexa said, “She deploys soon. A couple days, I think.” </p><p>“This is a lot to take in,” Clarke admitted. “So... you like Anya?” </p><p>“What? No,” Raven said. She started for the break room.  </p><p>Clarke and Lexa looked at each other before following. She could see Lexa smiling, in her knowing way, as they walked side by side. Obviously, they needed to figure out what was going on between the two women. Just a few days ago, Raven was upset about Wick. </p><p>“I want to know how it started,” Lexa said, falling back in one of the chairs. She propped her feet up on the table. </p><p>“Yeah because you’re a pervert,” Raven joked. She laid back on the couch and it suddenly felt like a therapy session. Just the thought was enough to make Clarke laugh.  </p><p>“I’m serious,” Lexa said. “Who kissed who? Or did you two not kiss? Who went down on who?” </p><p>Raven groaned loudly and pulled the blanket over her face. Clarke threw a decorative pillow at Lexa. It hit her in the face and fell to the ground. ‘Be nice,’ Clarke mouthed.  </p><p>Despite Lexa rolling her eyes, she said, “Okay. I’m sorry. So, it was just sex? Nothing more?” </p><p>“Of course not,” she said. “It was nothing more than sex. We were bored and I was upset about Wick and it just happened. It’s not a big deal.” </p><p>“No big deal,” Clarke agreed. “Okay.” </p><p>Obviously, neither of them believed Raven. It was a<em>  big deal </em>, but Raven was not going to talk to anyone about it until she was ready. The more they pushed, the longer that would be. </p><p>“All trauma doctors to the ambulance bay,” Indra said over the intercom. “<em> All  </em>trauma doctors.” </p><p>When the three of them joined the rest of the night shift staff, they were overwhelmed by the amount of ambulances arriving. Lexa ran off to assist the paramedics in one of the ambulances. Clarke and Raven separated to help other ambulances.  </p><p>“What the hell happened?” Clarke asked. </p><p>She had been performing chest compressions on a man for the past minute. He was still on the stretcher in the ambulance, so she moved on top of him. They rolled the stretcher inside. Her gloves were already covered in blood and ambulances were still pouring in. </p><p>“Shooting at the mall,” Luna said. “Five DOA and fifteen injured.” </p><p>“Please tell me some are going to the university,” Clarke said. “We don’t have the manpower to help all fifteen.” </p><p>“Five there,” she replied, pushing the stretcher with Clarke and the patient into a trauma room. “Ten here.” </p><p>That was still too many to make Clarke comfortable. They only had four doctors on the floor tonight and Indra was attempting to call in two other emergency doctors on call from another wing. Lincoln was already on his way.  </p><p>Clarke barely revived the man on the stretcher before allowing the nurses to get him hooked up and stable. She went to find Lexa to see how she could help but the woman was already in emergency surgery with another one of the gunshots victims. Indra said it was not looking good. Raven took on the three that were less serious injuries. Two were stable an hour later and the other was on his way to the ICU upstairs.  </p><p>Clarke found Lexa sitting in the hallway outside one of the OR rooms. Her hair was disheveled and her scrubs were dirty. Lexa did not even look up when Clarke sat beside her.  </p><p>“I almost had it, Clarke,” Lexa said softly. “I guess I was too hopeful.” </p><p>Clarke waited a while. “What happened?” she asked. </p><p>“There was too much damage to her chest,” Lexa said. “Both lungs, heart, spine, everything. I fixed her heart valve and her collapsed lung but... her body just couldn’t take anymore. I had just started to repair her spine when her stats dropped too rapidly.” </p><p>Clarke put her hand on Lexa’s leg. Her hand covered Clarke’s and squeezed gently. No matter what was going on between them, Lexa needed comfort right now. Lexa sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her sleeve before standing. She stood and looked down at Clarke. </p><p>“I’m going to go help Raven,” Lexa said before starting down the hall and out of sight. </p><p>Clarke was not surprised by Lexa’s reaction. She had always had a hard time processing the loss of a patient despite how many she had experienced. Lexa became distant until she got past it.  </p><p>Raven handed everything expertly. The nurses were moving between trauma rooms and helping family members find patients. Everything was going smooth. Except Lexa was not in the same mood she had been at the beginning of the shift. Clarke was worried about Lexa being alone after the surgery. </p><p>“Maybe you should come back with me,” Clarke suggested at the end of the shift.  </p><p>“Trying to get me alone, Clarke?” Lexa teased.  </p><p>“I just don’t think you <em> should  </em>be alone right now,” Clarke said.  </p><p>“Why not?” she asked. </p><p>“You know why not,” Clarke said. </p><p>Lexa sighed as she pulled her tennis shoes on. “I’m fine,” she said.  </p><p>There was a reason Clarke did not want Lexa to be alone tonight. In the mood she was in, it was a perfect storm for Lexa to have a PTSD episode. Clarke was not even sure how many Lexa had experienced in the past few years. Lexa no longer shared those things with her. Lexa stopped sharing them with Clarke when she left. Clarke understood why Lexa left but it was still hard. It was the hardest experience she had ever been through. </p><p>“Just... you’ll call me if you need me?” Clarke asked. </p><p>“Sure, Clarke,” Lexa said.  </p><p>“Lexa,” Clarke said, grabbing her shoulders to force the woman to meet her eyes. “I think you should come stay with me tonight. Please? For me.” </p><p>Lexa sighed. She pulled away gently. “For you?” she asked.  </p><p>“Yes,” Clarke replied. </p><p>“Then... okay,” Lexa finally said. “I guess I don’t really have a choice now.” </p><p>Clarke smiled. It somehow made her happy that she had this power over Lexa still. It was selfish but Clarke could not help it.  </p><p>Lexa parked her car beside Clarke’s when they arrived at her apartment building. Just before they got to the door, Lexa stopped. Clarke turned around and raised an eyebrow in question. </p><p>“You have to promise not to try anything,” Lexa said, only half serious. </p><p>“Me?” Clarke asked.  </p><p>“Yes, you,” she said, motioning toward Clarke. “You’re the one in a relationship.” </p><p>“What you have with Costia isn’t a relationship?” Clarke asked. Maybe she just wanted to hear Lexa confirm that. </p><p>“No,” she said. “And I broke off the physical stuff, too.” </p><p>Clarke was surprised. She wondered if there was someone else now. Things between them were so complicated but Clarke would always love Lexa.  </p><p>“I broke up with Finn, too,” Clarke said. “But I still don’t want anything to happen between us.” </p><p>Clarke could not read Lexa’s expression when she found out about Finn. She was not smiling or frowning. She looked <em> disinterested </em>. The expression confused Clarke. </p><p>“Deal,” Lexa said. </p><p>Her apartment was clean, thankfully, due to the guilt she felt from ending things with Finn a few days before. He had asked why, and she could not answer. Eventually, he just asked if it was because of Lexa.  </p><p>“Nice place,” she said. “Wow, you really upgraded.” </p><p>“From our apartment?” Clarke asked.  </p><p>“Yeah,” she said. “Well, my apartment now.” </p><p>Clarke threw her backpack down on her bed before returning to the living room. “You still live there?” Clarke asked, completely shocked. </p><p>“Where the hell else would I go?” Lexa asked. She grabbed a bag of chips from the cabinet and carried them over to the couch. She reached for the remote when she was situated.  </p><p>“Lexa, you... why didn’t you move?” she asked. </p><p>Lexa shrugged and turned on the TV. She scrolled through Clarke’s streaming feed. “Didn’t want to,” she said with her mouth full.  </p><p>There were so many questions she still had about Lexa’s choice to stay in the apartment they had rented together. They had spent months finding the perfect apartment only to end up with something they least expected. Somehow, they had ended up with a one bedroom when they wanted a two bedroom. They had not gotten the two bathrooms they wanted either.  </p><p>Clarke and Lexa had settled because they had just wanted to live together so badly. They were tired of searching and waiting. </p><p>“I’m going to take a shower,” Clarke said. “You can take one in the hall bathroom if you want. There’s towels and stuff under the sink.” </p><p>“Thanks,” Lexa said. “Guess I’m sleeping on the couch?” </p><p>“No, I have a guest room,” Clarke said. “I’ll get everything ready for you before I shower.” </p><p>“Don’t do anything special,” she said. “You know I’ll kick the covers off anyway.” </p><p>Clarke scoffed. “Yeah, I know,” she replied. </p><p>As she laid down in bed, Clarke heard Lexa walking down the hall after her own shower. She wondered if Lexa just had a towel around her body or if she had changed in the bathroom. She <em> desperately  </em>wanted to know. Lexa only slept in a tank top and underwear or sometimes shorts. She got overheated during the night so easily. That’s why she turned the ceiling fan on high and even put her portable fan in the guest room.  </p><p>Clarke smiled to herself when she heard Lexa turn it on as high as it would go. She was unable to sleep for a long time. She listened for any sounds coming from the guest room until she finally did. </p><p>The next thing she knew, Lexa was shouting something. Clarke threw the comforter off her body and ran to the guest room. Lexa was sitting up in the bed, but she was still asleep. Clarke had never seen Lexa sleepwalk before.  </p><p>“Lay back down, Lexa,” Clarke whispered. “It’s okay.” </p><p>This brought back every single night Clarke had stayed awake all night, too terrified to sleep. She was so worried Lexa would hurt herself during the night. Every time she did fall asleep, she was awoken by screams and shouts and kicks as Lexa’s legs thrashed.  </p><p>Finally, Lexa was settled enough for Clarke to go back to bed. When Lexa slipped into Clarke’s bedroom, mumbling to herself, she knew the woman was sleepwalking. Lexa laid down on top of Clarke’s comforter on her stomach. Her face was turned towards Clarke so the woman could stare at her.  </p><p>Clarke debated escorting Lexa back to the guest room. She decided that Lexa would do the same thing or something worse if she did. At least, she could finally sleep now knowing Lexa was safe here.  </p><p>When she woke up the next morning, Lexa was gone. Clarke found her in the living room, eating cereal on the couch and watching TV.  </p><p>“Morning,” Lexa said. “Your hair’s a mess.” </p><p>“Thanks,” Clarke said, rubbing her eyes. She ran a hand through her hair to calm it a bit. “You sleepwalk now?” </p><p>“Oh, should have warned you about that,” Lexa said through a mouthful of cereal. “Yeah, started about a year ago.” </p><p>Clarke could have sworn she noticed a blush on the woman’s cheeks. Lexa must know that she sneaked into Clarke’s bed during the night. She wondered how Lexa about that. Somewhere in her brain, she felt safe with Clarke.  </p><p>When Clarke came back into the living room after changing out of her pajamas, Lexa was gone. She checked the guest room and found nothing left of Lexa’s belongings. Lexa’s cereal bowl was now clean and on the drying rack in her kitchen. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> The sunlight streamed in from the window. Clarke had forgotten to pull the curtains closed before falling asleep the night before. It had been a long and stressful shift. Clarke had succeeded in her surgery, but they lost a patient. The elderly woman had come in from a nursing home with fluid filling her lungs. There was nothing any of them could do but keep her comfortable as the family told her goodbye. </em> </p>
<p><em> She groaned as she padded over to the window. As she started to pull them closed, her eyes caught someone getting out of a car in the parking lot down below. When she saw who the person was, Clarke could not believe it.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Lexa. Her Lexa. Her Lexa was  </em> home <em>  from deployment.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Three months had felt like a year. There had been more sleepless nights than restful nights. Clarke had worried once that she had an ulcer caused by stress. She had not heard from Lexa for two weeks by phone when she normally called once a week. When she finally did, all her physical pain faded away. </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke knew this was only the first deployment she would experience with Lexa. She still had two years in the military. Lexa could be deployed for the whole two years for all they knew. Whenever they called, Lexa had to go. </em> </p>
<p><em> But all of that was forgotten as Clarke ran down the apartment stairs. It did not matter that she looked crazy in her pajamas and messy hair. Clarke had only slept two hours before the sun woke her up. She was thankful that it had. </em> </p>
<p><em> Lexa held flowers but they fell to the ground when Clarke slammed into her. Clarke’s arms were around her neck and Lexa picked her up so that her legs were around her waist. Clarke kissed her as if it would save her life. Lexa had saved her life in an emotional and mental sense. She kissed Lexa and the world around them melted away.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “You’re here,” Clarke said between kisses.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Lexa was the one who pulled away from Clarke’s attack. They were both smiling. “I wanted to surprise you,” Lexa said. “But I had hoped to wake you up with breakfast or something. This is nice, too.”  </em> </p>
<p><em> “I can’t believe you!” Clarke said. She got down from Lexa’s hold and pushed her shoulder. “You told me you still had two weeks until you could leave.”  </em> </p>
<p><em> “Honey, that’s all part of the surprise,” Lexa said.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “You’re telling me I cried for nothing?” Clarke asked.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “Aww, baby,” Lexa said, pouting in sympathy. “I’m sorry. You want me to leave and come back in two weeks?”  </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke immediately clung to her. “No,” she said firmly. “You’re never leaving me again.”  </em> </p>
<hr/>
<p>Clarke was exhausted from surgery. It had taken four hours just to make the patient stable enough for the night. He would need another surgery in the morning when the cardiologist arrived. There was nothing more any of them could do for him without specific surgical skills. Despite Clarke’s cardiology training, she was not exceedingly experienced in this surgery. </p>
<p>Lexa was leaning against the counter in the lobby when Clarke turned the corner. She was batting her eyelashes at Indra, obviously trying to get something from the woman, but the nurse was not falling for it. Lexa was an excellent flirt.  </p>
<p>“Shoo, Woods,” Indra said. “You’re always trying to bother me.” </p>
<p>Lexa chuckled as she leaned back.  </p>
<p>“Oh, there you are,” Lexa said when she spotted Clarke. “I was wondering if I could take the next few nights off. Anya’s flying out tomorrow and I want to be there.” </p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s fine,” Clarke said. “Has Raven said anything about it? Has Anya?” </p>
<p>“No,” Lexa said. “Anya said they were just bored.” </p>
<p>Neither of them believed that story but they had no right to pry. The two women were their best friends, but they all respected each other too much to push the subject. Even if Clarke wanted to know everything about their night and why it had happened, she let it go for now. </p>
<p>“I can’t wait until Anya is out for good,” Clarke said. </p>
<p>“Me too,” Lexa said, sighing. </p>
<p>Once Anya was out of the military, she promised to move closer to them. Clarke was almost positive that meant Anya would end up living with Lexa. It was odd to imagine the two of them living in the old apartment Clarke had once rented. She suddenly wondered if Costia had ever been in their bed. </p>
<p>“Listen... the other night,” Lexa started.  </p>
<p>It had been a few days since Lexa stayed the night. Since then, things had been their normal amount of tense with a bonus of awkward. Neither seemed particularly interested in discussing the incident of Lexa sneaking into her bed. Of course, Lexa had been sleepwalking and she could not control that.  </p>
<p>“We don’t have to talk about it,” Clarke said. “It’s okay.” </p>
<p>“I guess it wasn’t too bad sleeping next to you,” Lexa said with her signature flirty grin.  </p>
<p>Clarke started down the hall once more. “Don’t try your shit with me, Woods,” she said over her shoulder.  </p>
<p>Despite her jokes, Clarke’s heart ached. She had enjoyed sleeping beside Lexa. Lexa was probably the only person she actively liked sleeping with. Even after dating Finn for six months, she had dreaded sleeping in bed with him.  </p>
<p>“Incoming!” Indra shouted.  </p>
<p>Lexa ran out to the ambulance bay to help the paramedics. Clarke put the charts back in their spot before joining her outside. Wick and Luna were moving a stretcher out of the back of their ambulance as Lexa listened to Wick explain the situation.  </p>
<p>It was moments like these that made Clarke pause. Lexa looked so focused and determined to help whoever was lying there. She wondered what Lexa was like overseas. Lexa was a military-trained doctor but also fought in combat. Clarke wondered what it was like for her performing surgeries in tents without all the proper supplies she needed.  </p>
<p>When Lexa returned from her final deployment, she was a different person. Something happened over there that Lexa never told her about. Clarke had tried for months to get Lexa to talk to her or to a therapist. She refused. Even with the threat of Clarke leaving, there was still something keeping Lexa from trying to get help. Clarke had been so frustrated and heartbroken. She had no idea what else to do.  </p>
<p>The Lexa she saw now was more like the Lexa from before the war. She would never be the person Clarke had met all those years ago. During the last months of their relationship, Clarke had been desperate to get that person back. Knowing her now made Clarke realize that this Lexa was better than the old Lexa. This Lexa had been through unbelievable things and had come out on the other side a much stronger person.  </p>
<p>But this Lexa was not hers. The old Lexa was hers. Clarke had done everything she could to make sure Lexa recovered from her deployments. If that was her role in Lexa’s life, then she would learn to accept it. Lexa made it out of the military alive.  </p>
<p>Lexa followed the paramedics and stretcher into a trauma room. She was going over vitals with the nurses already inside as the door closed.  </p>
<p>“Dr. Griffin, we need surgical rights from the board if we want the neurosurgeon to take the clot out tonight,” Indra said. </p>
<p>Clarke nodded as she moved around the nurses' station and picked up the phone. “I’ll call and wake Jaha up,” she said. “Have Murphy sit in on it, too.” </p>
<hr/>
<p> <em> Lexa and Clarke were the only two left at the end of their shift. The day shift doctors were on the floor now. Clarke sat on the bench in front of her locker as she pulled a long sleeve shirt on over her tank top. Lexa was putting on her shoes.  </em> </p>
<p><em> When Clarke stood, Lexa did at the same time. They smiled toward each other. Something shifted between them. She was not sure what happened but suddenly they were kissing. Lexa’s hands were on her waist and Clarke’s were on her cheeks. Clarke needed Lexa closer. Her back pressed painfully into the lockers. Her legs were suddenly around  </em> <em> Lexa’s </em> <em>  waist as they kissed. </em> </p>
<p>
  <em> They heard something fall to the floor and looked over to see Octavia standing there, jaw hanging open... </em>
</p>
<p>Clarke startled awake, sitting up in her bed. Her body was throbbing painfully. She sighed loudly, falling back on her pillow, and put her hands over her eyes.  </p>
<p>“Just a dream,” she said aloud.  </p>
<p>Clarke tried to fall back asleep but, after an hour, got up to take a shower. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. wants and needs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Raven and Lexa came through the automatic doors at the same time. They were arguing loudly about something to do with fighting. Raven had a plate of nachos in her hand, eating as they argued. Lexa’s hair was braided which meant they had been at the gym before this.  </p><p>Clarke had dreamed of Lexa every single night the past week. In the past two years since their breakup, she had dreams about Lexa periodically. Never had her dreams been this close together and this intense. </p><p>“I beat you a few weeks ago,” Raven argued, pointing a finger at Lexa. </p><p>“Oh, how can I forget when you tell <em> everyone  </em>about it?” Lexa joked, rolling her eyes.  </p><p>They stopped in front of Clarke. Raven laid her plate on the counter right in front of Indra. When a drop of cheese fell on a patient’s chart, Indra grabbed the plate and threw it away in the trash can behind the nurses’ station. Raven gasped, unable to believe anyone had touched her food, but stopped when Indra shot her an intense look.  </p><p>Clarke and Lexa laughed as Indra walked off. She gave Raven one last look for good measure before turning the corner.  </p><p>“She scares me,” Raven admitted. </p><p>The three of them started toward the locker room to change. Being in a locker room with Lexa reminded her of the dream she had about her.  </p><p>“Captain Raven is scared of someone?” Lexa asked, opening her locker.  </p><p>Lexa threw her backpack into it and grabbed her blue scrubs. Clarke tried very hard not to watch her pull off her shirt. Thankfully, Lexa was wearing a tank top underneath which did not reveal anything. But Clarke knew her body. She had memorized Lexa’s body.  </p><p>Clarke’s eyes landed on her arm. There was a scar there from a bullet going through Lexa’s arm. Raven had been able to stitch her up well enough to keep it from looking too bad, but Clarke knew every single scar on Lexa’s body. It did not matter when Lexa had gotten the scar. Clarke had kissed it at least once.  </p><p>Lexa caught her staring. She quickly pulled on her scrub top. “You okay?” she asked. </p><p>“Yes,” Clarke said, facing her locker once more. “I’m fine.” </p><hr/><p><em> It felt so nice to have Lexa in the apartment again. After the third deployment, Clarke had hoped she would be used to it by now. This deployment had been the worst of them all. Halfway through, she received a call that Lexa had been shot. Her mind could not comprehend the words until the captain explain to her that it was a through-and-through. Raven had closed the wound and Lexa would be perfectly fine.  </em> </p><p><em> “What do you want for dinner?” Clarke asked. </em> </p><p><em> “Honestly,” Lexa said. “I want to order  </em> <em> Chinese </em> <em>  food from that place we like down the street and just watch a movie or something.” </em> </p><p><em> They held hands as they walked to pick up their food. Clarke could tell that she was exhausted, but Lexa had insisted on going with her to get it. When they got back, Clarke laid it all out on the coffee table.  </em> </p><p><em> “I want to see it,” Clarke said a little while later. </em> </p><p><em> Lexa pulled her sleeve up. The stitches were gone but the wound was still red. It looked good for a battlefield fix. There would be a scar there now. Clarke leaned over and kissed her arm softly. She ran her fingertips ran along the inside of Lexa’s forearm. Her lips moved along her skin. Goosebumps appeared on her arms.  </em> </p><p><em> There was a loud noise coming from the TV where the movie still played. Clarke could feel the way Lexa tensed. She started breathing heavily and pulling at her shirt. When Clarke tried to grab her hands, Lexa pushed her back on the couch with an arm against her neck. Lexa was holding her down so she could not move.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke knew Lexa’s reaction to the sound was post-traumatic stress disorder immediately. She saw so many military patients in the ER. They suffered panic attacks often. Some thought they were dying by how long their  </em> <em> attack </em> <em>  lasted. But this... this was not a normal panic attack. Lexa was seeing her as an enemy.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke did not fight, in fear that Lexa would do something worse, and tried to stay calm. Lexa did not look mad. She just looked determined. After just a moment, Clarke observed the moment when Lexa realized what she had done. She released her hold and sat back.  </em> </p><p><em> “I... I’m sorry,” Lexa said tearfully. “I’m so sorry, Clarke.” </em> </p><p><em> “It’s okay,” Clarke said. She held Lexa’s arms as she stared her directly in the eyes. “You’re okay. You’re here with me and you’re safe.” </em> </p><p><em> That night in bed, Lexa admitted to Clarke that she was only here for two months before she had to go back. </em> </p><hr/><p>Lexa's PTSD episodes were so much worse after that. Once she returned home from her last deployment, Clarke barely recognized her. Lexa's anxiety and depression had been so overwhelming. Anything Clarke did was not enough to make her happy. There was a constant black cloud over them. With Lexa refusing help, her episodes got worse too.  </p><p>“What are you thinking so hard about?” Lexa asked. </p><p>Clarke was so lost in thought that she had not realized they were in the hallway now. She followed Lexa since they still had a few minutes before the day shift doctors did rounds. </p><p>“Nothing,” she replied.  </p><p>“That’s such a lie,” Lexa said, grinning.  </p><p>When she looked over and saw Clarke’s serious expression, her smile dropped. There was no way she was going to bring up Lexa’s PTSD and have the woman feel even more guilty for it. But she wondered if the tension would leave if they talked about it. Maybe Clarke’s dreams would stop. Part of her did not want them to stop though. </p><p>“I had the craziest thing happen the other night when you weren’t here,” Lexa said. “This boy came in claiming to have swallowed a razor blade. He even had damage to his throat and mouth because of it. But when we opened him up, the stomach acid had already taken care of it. The razor was gone.” </p><p>“You telling her about the razor boy?” Raven asked. “I’d only heard stories of it before him. It was pretty wild.” </p><p>“Wild, yeah,” Clarke said. </p><p>“Clarkie-pooh is a little distracted tonight?” Raven asked, grabbing Clarke’s cheek. </p><p>“Get off me, Raven,” she said, moving out of her reach. Clarke chuckled softly. “Go find something to do before I put you both on filing duty.” </p><p>Both were gone before Clarke turned back around. She barely had time to get her bearings before the doors were opening as a stretcher came through. Costia gave Raven and Lexa the rundown of the woman’s vitals. They went into a trauma room. It did not seem urgent, so Clarke did not join them. She noticed the way Costia looked at Lexa. Costia just looked <em> sad </em>. </p><p>Costia had gotten the Lexa that did not threaten or point guns at her in the middle of the night. She had the Lexa that did not hold her arms so tightly during a panic attack that her fingertips left bruises. Even though it was a physical relationship, Costia had the Lexa who no longer pulled away suddenly or turned her down completely.  </p><p>But Clarke had the Lexa who talked about marriage. They used to lay awake at night and talk about their future after the military. Clarke and Lexa used to give each other flowers all the time. The window with the best view constantly had roses or lilies in front of it. Clarke had the Lexa who had been in love with her. </p><p>“Get the crash cart!” Raven shouted from inside the trauma room. </p><p>Clarke ran to the room and went inside. Indra put the cart beside them. Lexa charged the paddles as Raven did chest compressions. Another nurse was pumping oxygen into the woman’s lungs.  </p><p>“Clear,” Lexa said before shocking her.  </p><p>The woman’s heart started beating again. They all sighed in relief. “What’s going on with her?” Clarke asked.  </p><p>“We aren’t sure,” Lexa admitted. “We were trying to figure it out when her vitals dropped suddenly.” </p><p>Indra pulled up the woman’s shirt to check her stomach. Her skin was yellow. It was not a normal color at all.  </p><p>“Masks on now!” Clarke shouted. She ran over to the wall and pressed a button that set off alarms. The doors locked. “We’re on lockdown.” </p><p>“What? You think it’s something dangerous?” Raven asked.  </p><p>“Look at her skin, Raven,” Clarke said.  </p><p>‘Then why the hell are we in here with her?” she asked more loudly this time. </p><p>“To keep it from spreading,” Clarke replied.  </p><p>They did everything they could for the patient, but she died ten minutes later. Her skin was getting darker in color with every passing minute and Clarke was starting to panic. She made sure they all kept gloves, masks, and protective gowns on.  </p><p>“Someone is on their way to make sure we’re okay to leave,” Clarke said.  </p><p>Clarke sat against the wall and leaned back. She closed her eyes. Her mind kept thinking that something was bound to be wrong. Something was going to infect all of them.  </p><p>“Hey,” Lexa said, sitting beside her. </p><p>“Hey,” she replied. </p><p>Raven was flicking tiny wads of paper at them. Indra was trying not to kill her Clarke suspected.  </p><p>“Everything’s going to be fine,” Lexa said. “It’s probably some reaction to something.” </p><p>“You’re probably right,” she said, sighing. “I hope you’re right anyway. I don’t know what I would do if...” </p><p>Clarke’s sentence trailed off, but Lexa seemed to understand what she was trying to say.  </p><p>“Everything will be fine,” Lexa said again. </p><p>Clarke looked at her over their masks. Her eyes seemed greener than ever. “Will it?” she asked softly. “Will everything be fine?” </p><p>Lexa nodded after just a moment. She turned her head to look at the wall on the other side of the small room. “Yes,” she whispered so quietly that Clarke barely heard it.  </p><p>The CDC rep checked the woman over and determined that it was a reaction to something unknown. They took the body to run further tests and find her family. Clarke was thankful. She thought about Lexa’s answer to her question for the rest of the night. </p><p>Clarke took her time getting dressed to go home at the end of the shift. It seemed like Lexa was, too. The night had been tough mentally, emotionally, and physically.  </p><p>Lexa glanced over at her from the other end of the bench. “You did a good job tonight,” she said. “With the lockdown and everything. That was quick thinking. It could have been bad.” </p><p>“I’m glad it wasn’t,” Clarke said as she stood.  </p><p>Lexa stood too. She moved closer to Clarke. Her hand raised until she was cupping Clarke’s cheek. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you either,” she said.  </p><p>The hand on her cheek was warm and comforting after a night like tonight. She stared into Lexa’s eyes. “Don’t get soft on me now, Woods,” she said. Despite her desperate need to kiss Lexa right now, it would not be a smart thing to do.  </p><p>Lexa chuckled as she let her hand fall. “I’m out of here,” she said, turning toward the door. Lexa looked back at her before leaving and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” </p><p>Clarke could only nod as she left. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. picture perfect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry if there are mistakes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You got plans for your day off, Griffin?” Raven asked.  </p><p>Clarke, Raven, and Lincoln were sitting in the break room as they waited for someone to come into the ER. As of now, there were only non-emergency patients who were getting prepared to go home by the nurses.  </p><p>“I’m having dinner with my parents,” Clarke replied.  </p><p>Clarke was starting to regret the promise she made to her mother. She had agreed to come over for dinner on her day off. Abby also had the day off on Friday which Clarke was beginning to suspect was by Abby’s design. She had one more shift to get through before her day off. Somehow, Indra had convinced her to come in on her other day off this week to perform a surgery.  </p><p>It was not a waste of a day to spend it with her parents but all her plans to sleep for twelve hours were now changed. After dinner, Clarke planned to get caught up on laundry and housework to keep her sleep schedule normal. She had finally adjusted to sleeping during the day.  </p><p>The three of them heard Indra shout ‘incoming.’ Clarke and Raven stared at Lincoln until he groaned and went to the lobby.  </p><p>“Have you heard from Anya?” Clarke asked. </p><p>Raven stared at Clarke for a moment, trying to read her expression. Clarke guessed she was trying to see if there was a joke in the question somewhere. Not even Lexa joked about Raven and Anya hooking up. Raven was so defensive about it. </p><p>“She called me a few days ago,” she replied. “Sounds like she’s doing okay.” </p><p>“And you two are just... friends?” Clarke asked carefully.  </p><p>“Yes,” Raven said. “She’s been my one of my best friends for so long, but we’ve been through terrible things together. It would be impossible for us not to think of those things if we tried to be together more seriously. You know? After everything you went through with Lexa?” </p><p>Clarke vividly remembered everything she went through with Lexa. It had changed Clarke. “Yes, I know,” she said. “But couldn’t that also help the both of you? You’d understand how to help her better than I did with Lex.” </p><p>“I don’t think that’s true,” she replied. “You were Lexa’s link to normalcy at the time.” </p><p>“I guess that’s somewhat true,” Clarke said. “Too bad it didn’t help her.” </p><p>“You did help her,” Raven said,  </p><p>“But she still left me,” Clarke said. </p><p>“Lexa told me about some of the things she did to you,” Raven said. “I can’t believe you lasted as long as you did.” </p><p>“I loved her,” Clarke said, shrugging.  </p><p>Clarke used to stay up all night just to make sure Lexa got real sleep. The last few weeks, Clarke barely got any sleep. She got distracted too easily at work by all the things going on at home. Lexa had not even returned to work yet, so Clarke’s shifts felt entirely too long. She worried that Lexa was going to hurt herself while she was gone. She lived in constant fear that she would go home and find Lexa... </p><p>Those memories still hurt too badly to think about. It had been the scariest time in her life. Lexa knew that Clarke had been worried about it, too. Never during that time did Lexa tell her that it was crazy for Clarke to think that way or that she would never do something that stupid.  </p><p>“It just wouldn’t be a good idea for me and Anya to be anything more,” Raven finally added. “It would only make her symptoms worse.” </p><p>“You’ll never know unless you try,” Clarke said.  </p><p>They were both back on the floor a few minutes later. There were two ambulances arriving soon with gunshot wound victims who both needed immediate surgery. Clarke went ahead to get prepped as Raven took lead with the paramedics. Lincoln joined Clarke when the victim arrived. Raven was in the other OR with the second victim.  </p><p>Clarke removed the bullet from the man’s stomach and repaired the damage it caused. Once she was satisfied that he would recover perfectly, she closed the wound and removed her surgical clothes. Then she went into the other OR to check on Raven. Raven was already stitching the other man’s wound closed. </p><p>“Do we know what happened?” Clarke asked through the mask she wore. </p><p>“I think they were hunting,” she answered. “They both had camo jackets on when they arrived. I’m not sure how they both ended up wounded.” </p><p>Raven reached over and laid something in Clarke’s gloved palm. Dog tags. Army tags. The man Raven was operating on was a veteran.  </p><p>Lexa and Raven still wore their dog tags every day. They wore them under their scrubs. When Lexa retired from the military, she gave Clarke her second one. They had to have two overseas, one around their neck and the other inside their shoe. They wore the tags so that someone could identify them if they were wounded or killed in action. Despite Clarke fearing what they represented, she knew how much the tag meant to Lexa. Clarke still had Lexa’s tag. Lexa had never asked for it back. It still hung on a hook in Clarke’s bathroom. She hung it there the day she moved out of their old apartment and that is where it has stayed ever since.  </p><p> The two men were still unconscious from the sedatives as they were set up in one of the trauma rooms. They still needed to be monitored for the next few days to ensure there were no unpredictable complications.  </p><p>Raven and Clarke walked out of the hospital together as the sun came up. They stopped by their cars and looked toward the sunset. </p><p>“Earlier, when you said that you loved Lexa,” Raven started. “Do you think you still feel that way?” </p><p>“I’m not sure,” Clarke admitted. “I’ll always love her. She knows that but I’m not sure if I’m in love with her anymore. We've been through... so much. I was so overwhelmed when she came home.” </p><p>“Lexa’s stubborn,” she said. “You should have seen her over there. She would refuse to leave any kid behind. She helped everyone she could. I guess all that added up over time. You paid the price for it.” </p><p>“I don’t think of it that way,” Clarke said. “She trusted me enough to be herself around me. She trusted me enough to not hide anything from me. When she left, Lexa said it was for my own good. But I think it was for hers. She used me as a crutch which was just as much my fault as it was hers. I did everything for her. She needed to move on with her life after the military and I was wrapped up in all of that.” </p><p>“I guess I can understand that,” she said. “Well, I’m really glad I got my best friend back.” </p><p>“I’m glad, too,” Clarke said.  </p><hr/><p>Abby and Jake were sitting on the front porch when she arrived. They had their little dog running around the yard on her chain. Clarke picked the dog up and unhooked her. She wished she was home more to have a dog. </p><p>“I’m happy to see you too, Hazel,” she said as the dog licked Clarke’s face.  </p><p>Her parents laughed as the dog jumped all over her in excitement. They went inside to prepare for dinner and Clarke finally put Hazel down so she could run around. Clarke already smelled the food her mother was cooking. She missed home-cooked meals. Her life mostly consisted of takeout food and whatever she could eat quickly.  </p><p>“How’s Finn?” Jake asked.  </p><p>“We broke up, dad,” she said. </p><p>Clarke could see the relief on her father’s face. Neither of them had been fond of her ex-boyfriend. She never got a clear answer why they had not liked him from their mouths. But she knew the reason. </p><p>“How’s Lexa?” her mother asked as if on cue. </p><p>“She’s fine, mom,” Clarke said. “You saw her at the hospital yesterday.” </p><p>“You see her more than I do,” Abby said.  </p><p>Clarke had no idea how to argue with that because it was true. But Clarke did not get much from Lexa if it did not involve work. Clarke figured that she was close to Lexa as her mother was at this point. They never discussed anything about their personal lives. Honestly, Clarke was scared to. It had been so long since she was involved in Lexa’s personal lives that she was scared to find out what had changed since then. </p><p>“Dinner’s ready,” Abby said. </p><p>Jake kissed her temple as she stood at the counter. Clarke was lucky to have them for role models. They were the epitome of true love. Throughout her childhood, she saw them go on dates and kiss and hold hands. No matter how long the two of them were married, her parents still acted like newlyweds.  </p><p>Lexa’s own parents divorced when she was very young. Her mother went into a deep depression, so she lived with her father. Then he died when she was in middle school. Lexa’s father had been a veteran, too. He was the main reason Lexa decided to go into the military. Al taught her how to fight and shoot. Lexa spent most of her childhood training. She was an only child, too. After Al died, she moved in with her mother. Lexa rarely spoke about the years with her mom. </p><p>When Lexa and Clarke would come over for dinner or meet Abby and Jake at restaurants in the city, she would always comment about how nice it was to see them so happy together.  </p><p>Clarke remembered Lexa looking over at her one night, sitting across from her parents, with the city lights behind her head. </p><p><em> “I think that’ll be us one day, too,” Lexa whispered. </em> </p><p><em> “I hope so,” Clarke said, smiling. </em> </p><hr/><p>When Clarke got home that night, she went into her bathroom. She turned on the tap to fill the bathtub. Her eyes landed on the dog tags hanging by the sink. Clarke took the necklace off the hook and held it for a while. She ran her fingers over the engravings on the tag. It was a comforting feeling. As she soaked in the hot water, she wore the necklace around her neck.  </p><p>The weight of the necklace did not make her sad until she got out and saw her reflection in the mirror. She took it off quickly and hung it back up.  </p><p>Clarke took a nap on the couch as she waited to go to work. Her phone rang the second she truly fell asleep.  </p><p>“Hello?” she asked, groggily.  </p><p>“Clarke?” Octavia said. “Um... do you think you could come over? It’s Lexa. I think she’s sleepwalking.” </p><p>“What? How did she get to your apartment? Did she drive?” Clarke asked, already up and running to get dressed.  </p><p>“No, I live in her building,” Octavia explained. “I have her in the living room.” </p><p>“Okay, just try to let her sleep until I get there,” Clarke said.  </p><p>Clarke knew the way to their apartment by heart. Of course, she did. Because of this, she could let her mind wander as she drove. Lexa’s sleepwalking was worse than she thought.  </p><p>Octavia was sitting in the chair across from the couch when she arrived. Lexa’s hair was partially covering her face as she laid across the entire couch. She was still breathing. Clarke had a habit of watching her chest rise and fall for her own sanity.  </p><p>“Thank you for calling me,” Clarke said.  </p><p>“Of course,” Octavia said.  </p><p>Clarke crouched down in front of Lexa. The gently rubbed her back. “Lexa,” she said softly. Clarke was prepared for any reaction from her. She had experienced them all. “Wake up. It's okay. Wake up, Lexa.” </p><p>Lexa mumbled something she could not understand. “Clarke,” she whispered. </p><p>“Yes, it’s me,” Clarke said.  </p><p>Lexa woke slowly. She blinked rapidly, as if she thought she was still asleep, as she looked up at Clarke. “You’re here,” Lexa whispered. </p><p>“You’re in Octavia’s apartment,” Clarke said. “You were sleepwalking.” </p><p>Lexa sat up and looked around. When she realized where she was, she sighed and covered her face with her hands. “Dammit,” she said.  </p><p>“Let me walk you back,” Clarke said.  </p><p>“Yeah, okay,” Lexa said as she stood. </p><p>Lexa apologized to Octavia before they left her apartment. Clarke’s heart started to pound as they got closer to her old apartment. Everything about the hallway and the door was so familiar. Clarke felt a little nauseous.  </p><p>“You don’t have to come in,” Lexa said. “Thanks for coming. I’m fine now.” </p><p>“No, I... I don’t mind,” she said.  </p><p>Lexa’s cheeks were slightly pink as she opened the door. The second she saw inside, Clarke’s nausea got so much worse. Everything was still the same as it had been when she lived there. The furniture was still the same furniture they had picked out five years ago.  </p><p>When Lexa looked over at her now, there was a real flush to her skin now. She glanced at Clarke and then looked back at the couch. </p><p>Clarke realized there was nothing wrong with keeping furniture even if they had bought it together. Clarke had left everything behind when she moved out. She was just shocked that it still looked, smelled, and felt the same as it had when she left. Even Lexa had packed her bags two years ago, Clarke was the first to say she was moving out. Clarke had just assumed Lexa would do the same. </p><p>“Do you want something to drink?” Lexa asked. “Water or something?” </p><p>“No, thank you,” she said. </p><p>Lexa pulled the fridge door open. Clarke noticed the picture stuck to it. It was a picture of the two of them when Lexa returned home one time. Clarke had been waiting for her at the airport. Lexa was in her full uniform and Clarke’s arms were around her neck. The picture did not show Clarke’s face, only Lexa’s smiling one, but it was obviously her.  </p><p>“I should get going,” Clarke said. “I need to get ready for work tonight.” </p><p>“Okay,” she said, going to sit on the couch. “I’ll see you tonight.” </p><p>“Yeah, see you then,” Clarke said. She glanced at their picture once more before leaving the apartment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. plots and plans</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa was already in the locker room when Clarke walked in. She worried that things would be awkward between them after the episode this morning. But when Lexa just grinned at her and commented on a patient in one of the trauma rooms, Clarke was <em> confused </em>. Since being in their old apartment, Clarke had thought of little else. The picture on Lexa’s fridge stayed on her mind.  </p><p>Seeing the picture just confused Clarke more. She had so many questions, but Lexa was obviously not wanting to discuss anything other than work-related things right now. She promised herself that before the shift was over, she was going to ask Lexa, at least, one of her questions.  </p><p>“Dr. Reyes, if I catch even a crumb on the ground tonight,” Indra said. “I’m putting you on bedpan duty.” </p><p>“You can’t do that,” Raven argued. “Only Clarke can.” </p><p>Indra kept her eyes on Raven as she spoke, “Dr. Griffin?” </p><p>“Whatever Indra said,” Clarke replied. </p><p>Raven looked at her as if betrayed and put a hand to her chest. “My own best friend!” she shouted, throwing her hands up the air.  </p><p>Lexa laughed as Raven stomped off. Raven was not really upset or mad but she shot Clarke glares until disappearing down another hall.  </p><p>Of course, the night when Clarke wanted to stay busy, the ER was slow. They only had on person arrive by ambulance who had an allergic reaction. They did not even get to EpiPen her because Luna had done it on the way. Her mind was racing and she needed something to distract herself.  </p><p>“You’re filing?” Lexa asked when she found her in the filing closet. “Why?” </p><p>“Because there’s nothing else to do and I can get this out of the way,” she said. “Kane’s been putting it off for months now.” </p><p>Lexa sat down against the wall and bit into an apple. She was looking up high on the opposite wall as if in a trance.  </p><p>“Can I ask you something?” Clarke asked after five minutes of silence.  </p><p>Lexa took another bite and swallowed before replying, “Sure.”  </p><p>“Why didn’t you move out after we broke up?” she asked.  </p><p>“I’m not sure,” Lexa said. She sighed and rubbed her forehead. “It was just easier for me to stay. Moving would have been too much with everything else going on.”  </p><p>Clarke nodded in understanding. She did see that side of things. Lexa was so depressed at the time. She probably did not care where she lived. Having the familiarity of their apartment was probably a good thing. “Did it make you sad?” Clarke asked. “With all of our stuff still in there.”  </p><p>“No,” Lexa said, shaking her head. Another bite. “It made me happy.”  </p><p>“How?” Clarke asked, her eyes filling with tears now. It felt like Lexa was saying she was glad they broke up and it was heartbreaking. She forgot all about the charts as she stared at her ex-girlfriend. “How did seeing all the things we bought together make you happy?” </p><p>“Because it made me think of the good part of my life,” Lexa explained. She shrugged. “When I would look at something we had, I could remember the day and where we were. I could remember being happy.”  </p><p>Clarke was sad to see the life they built together. For that same reason, Lexa was happy. She was happy thinking about all the memories they made while their memories broke Clarke’s heart. They had so many good memories and it was that reason that it made Clarke sad. She had wanted to make so many more. It felt like Lexa had put a pause on her life when she packed her bags.  </p><p>“I guess I understand that,” Clarke said, wiping her cheek quickly. She turned back around to start filing again.  </p><p>“No matter what ends up happening in our lives, our memories will be my favorite,” Lexa said.  </p><p>Clarke turned back to stare at her in disbelief. ”Then why did you leave me?” she asked. She had to fight her body to not scream the words at Lexa.  </p><p>“Because you’ll never see me the same as you did before the war,” Lexa said. “You’ll always remember how I looked at you during episodes and what I did. I’ll always hate myself for the bruises that I can’t even remember giving you.” </p><p>Clarke had no idea how to process the information. But Lexa tone reminded her of the day she left. Clarke was beginning to think they would get another chance. A chance to do things over and make them right again but Lexa had no interest in that. That chapter of their lives was closed. Clarke had no idea how to deal with the pain. </p><p>“I’ve already forgotten most of them,” Clarke tried.  </p><p>Lexa chuckled, humorlessly. “You’re still a bad liar, Clarke,” she said.  </p><p>Lexa stood, tossed the apple core in the trash can by the door, and left the room. Clarke felt like her heart was being ripped out all over again.  </p><hr/><p><em> “This window is too small,” Clarke said. </em> </p><p><em> Clarke remembered that Lexa was not there as soon as she spoke the words. She stared out the living room window in her new apartment. She hated it. She hated this apartment. She hated this part of town. She hated this life.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke took in a deep breath, closing her eyes like the therapist told her, and let it out slowly.  </em> </p><p><em> “You do not hate your life,” Clarke spoke aloud to herself. “This feeling will pass.” </em> </p><p><em> Clarke did not believe that for a second, but her therapist said it was important to keep saying it. Apparently, her words could change her thought patterns or something like that. Clarke had not even wanted to go to the therapist. Lexa had refused to join her, so she went alone. The sessions were not horrible and they gave her the opportunity to escape the apartment for an hour. She was beginning to feel the depression seem into her own bones. Clarke had just wanted her Lexa back, not have Lexa leave her. </em> </p><p><em> When Clarke saw Lexa show up for her shift that night, it felt like someone was rubbing salt in her wound. Lexa had not shown up at work since returning home. The day that Clarke got the last of her clothes and moved into her new apartment, Lexa showed up. She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke could not do either of those things will all the tasks she had to do tonight. Thankfully, she could make up excuses to escape the ER. Clarke ran into Jaha in the elevator. She suggested that she would rather work in another unit. Any other unit.  </em> </p><p><em> Jaha promised to get back to her about any openings. Until then, she would have to ignore Lexa. Clarke was afraid that if she did not ignore Lexa, she would end up crying and begging on her knees for Lexa to take her back.  </em> </p><p><em> “Do you have Mr. Williams’ chart, Clarke?” Lexa asked.  </em> </p><p>
  <em> Clarke stuttered as she told Lexa she did not have it. Or maybe she had said a single word and just stared at Lexa in disbelief. </em>
</p><hr/><p>Clarke tried to get dressed quickly. She wanted to avoid any interaction with Lexa. She had the day off tomorrow, so Clarke would not have to see her. Just as she pulled open the door to leave, Lexa was about to enter. </p><p>“Good,” she said. “You’re still here. I just wanted to tell you that I didn’t say that stuff earlier to upset you.” </p><p>“I know, Lexa,” Clarke said.”I’m glad you told me the truth.”  </p><p>“I am too,” Lexa said.  </p><p>“I just have one more question,” Clarke said. “Why did you return to work the day I moved out? You must have been happier without me there or something.”  </p><p>“No, I wasn’t happy,” she said. “I was relieved but not happy. I returned to work because… I just wanted to be able to see you. We had lived together for two years then. I’m not making that up to make you feel better or-“ </p><p>Clarke could not take it anymore. She kissed her. Clarke kissed Lexa and pulled them back into the locker room. so the door closed. Lexa was kissing her back and Clarke thought she had been wrong before. Lexa did not want their chapter to end. </p><p>"Don't do this, Clarke," Lexa said, stepping back. </p><p>Clarke moved toward her again and Lexa did not step away. But when Clarke leaned it to kiss her again, she turned her face. </p><p>"Tell me you don't want this," Clarke said. "Tell me this is a bad idea."</p><p>"Clarke, I am not <em>your</em> Lexa anymore," Lexa said. "I'm different. I still have really bad days. You know that I love you. That will have to be enough for now."</p><p>As Clarke drove home, she wondered if that was enough. If they were going to get another chance in the future, it would have to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. what we want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> The TV stayed off for the most part. There were too many sounds that could set Lexa off and cause an episode. Clarke never knew what could do it. Sometimes it was random. Tonight though, Lexa was worse than Clarke had ever seen her. She had been sitting on the couch for, at least, three hours. She had a magazine in her hand but had not turned a page in twenty minutes.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke felt so overwhelmed by Lexa’s depression. She had no idea how to help her as she so desperately wanted to. If she could take it all from Lexa and give it to herself, Clarke would. It was so hard to see the person you loved most in the world just a shell of themselves. It felt like Lexa had left her soul overseas. There was nothing that made her truly happy. Lexa could pretend for a few minutes but then the black cloud would reappear over them. </em> </p><p><em> “Let’s go out to dinner or something, sweetheart,” Clarke said.  </em> </p><p><em> “I don’t want to go anywhere,” Lexa said without looking up. </em> </p><p><em> “I think you’ll feel better getting out of the house for a while,” Clarke said. </em> </p><p><em> Lexa looked up at her with hate in her eyes. Clarke had to remind herself that Lexa did not hate her. It was getting harder and harder to do. Everything was a struggle for them now. Even getting Lexa to eat was an ordeal.  </em> </p><p><em> “Okay,” Clarke said.  </em> <em> “I’ll go get the food and bring it back here.” </em> </p><p><em> “Fine,” Lexa said </em> <em> , turning the page of her magazine.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke found herself walking slowly.  </em> <em> She had no desire to go back to the apartment where she was not wanted </em> <em> .  </em> <em> Their relationship was ending slowly. Clarke could feel it. It terrified her and broke her heart. All Clarke knew was Lexa.  </em> <em> The past three years with her have been the best years of her life but things had changed. </em> <em>  The more </em> <em>  Clarke tried to fight the depression, anxiety, PTSD, and everything else, the worse it all became.  </em> <em> She knew deep down that Lexa was going to end things. She was going to be sick of Clarke at one point.  </em> </p><p><em> The thought of losing Lexa  </em> <em> was not </em> <em>  the only thing that scared </em> <em>  Clarke </em> <em>  about the situation. It was the fear of not seeing Lexa everyday. Clarke was scared that Lexa would stop eating or bathing or leaving the house at all.  </em> <em> The more Clarke pushed Lexa to get help, the further Lexa got away from her.  </em> </p><p><em> When Clarke finally got home with their food, Lexa was no longer on the couch. After a moment of panic, she found her on their bed.  </em> <em> She was asleep.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke ate by herself at the kitchen table they never used.  </em> <em> She watched videos on her phone and tried to not think about her situation for a little while.  </em> <em> When she was done, Clarke put all the food away so Lexa would hopefully eat it tomorrow.  </em> <em> Lexa  </em> <em> loved th </em> <em> e  </em> <em> Chinese place Clarke ha </em> <em> d ordered it from.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke turned around to see Lexa standing in the hallway with a gun pointed at her face. She was only about ten feet away. Clarke put her hands up, dropping her fork  </em> <em> on the ground. It made the loudest sound.  </em> </p><p><em> “Lexa, it’s me!” Clarke said. “Don’t shoot me. It’s Clarke. Baby, it’s me.”  </em> </p><p><em> The moment reality came back to Lexa, Clarke saw the look in her eyes. This was the first time Lexa had ever done something this serious. Lexa had grabbed her arm hard enough to bruise and bruised her cheek by throwing something but there had never been a gun involved.  </em> </p><p><em>The scariest part of the situation was not that she could die. She was scared that Lexa would live forever with guilt if she accidentally killed her. Clarke was terrified that Lexa would try to end her own life if she killed her. </em> </p><p><em> “Clarke...” Lexa said as the gun fell to her side. </em> </p><p><em> Clarke moved toward her quickly and took it from her hand. “Where did you get this?” she asked. </em> </p><p><em> “I...I’ve had it for a long time and I... I thought someone was breaking into the barracks,” Lexa explained. </em> </p><p><em> “Lexa, we are not in the barracks,” Clarke said, taking the clip out of the gun. “We’re at home. You’re home with me now.” </em> </p><p><em> Lexa rubbed her forehead in frustration and embarrassment. Her hands were shaking. Clarke grabbed them and held Lexa’s hand against her chest. </em> </p><p><em> “Everything is okay,” Clarke whispered. She splayed Lexa’s hand over her heart. “Do you feel that?” </em> </p><p><em> Lexa could only nod. Clarke reached forward and placed her hand on Lexa’s chest over her heart. Lexa flinched slightly at the touch.  </em> </p><p><em> “For as long as my heart beats, I will love you,” Clarke whispered. She reached up with her free hand and moved a strand of hair behind Lexa's ear.  </em> </p><p><em> “I almost shot you,” Lexa whispered. </em> </p><p><em> “You wouldn’t have,” Clarke said. She hoped that was true. “I know you would never do that.” </em> </p><p><em> “I’m so sorry,” she said, starting to cry now.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke led her back to their room and held her in bed. Lexa cried for an hour that night. They did not talk. They just cried together. Clarke got her hopes up that maybe this was a turning point for Lexa. Maybe she would realize now that she needed help. They would get a fresh start and would live happily ever after. </em> </p><p><em> Clarke had been very wrong. Later in that week, Lexa pushed her harshly against a wall and had panic attacks multiple times a day. The week after that, Lexa held another gun to her in their bed. Clarke had no idea where she had gotten this one. Realistically, she knew this was the end of them.  </em> </p><p><em> Lexa moved out the next day. </em> </p><hr/><p>When she arrived at the hospital the night after their kiss, Clarke was in a wonderful mood. Even Indra had to ask her what was wrong when Clarke volunteered to take a patient off his bedpan first her. Clarke felt lighter than she had in months. Maybe years. Lexa’s words rang through her head. ‘You know I love you,’ Lexa had said. Clarke was not imagining anything. Lexa still loved her.  </p><p>But Clarke was back to hiding her feelings. She did not want Lexa to feel guilty. Clarke had decided that it was enough for now.  </p><p>“Dr. Griffin,” Raven said as she walked through the doors. Her arms were outstretched. “What a great day to be alive!”  </p><p>“Okay, now I know something is going on,” Indra said. “You two are freaking me out.”  </p><p>“We can’t be happy?” Clarke asked with a grin.  </p><p>“Not that damn happy,” Indra said. “Dr. Woods, please tell me that you’re normal today.”  </p><p>Indra was looking over her shoulder where Lexa must be and her heart started to pound. She turned and was greeted with Lexa’s smile, much to her surprise.  </p><p>“I think I’m pretty normal today,” Lexa replied.  </p><p>Clarke heard the double meaning in her words. It was a relief.  </p><p>“Great,” Indra said starting down the hall. “Now make these lunatics do some actually work. Raven, don’t even think about it.”  </p><p>“I’m not doing anything!” Raven argued.  </p><p>“Yes, but you’re thinking something,” Indra said. “Don’t do it.”  </p><p>Raven looked back to Lexa and Clarke. “I know it’s impossible…scientifically,” Raven said. “But do you think Indra can read minds?”  </p><p>“What were you thinking about?” Lexa asked.  </p><p>“Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it?” Raven asked, throwing her hands in the air. “She’ll know it’s me.” </p><p>While getting ready for her shift, alone in the locker room, she thought of her dream last night. This Lexa dream had been different than the sex dreams Clarke had when they first started working together. In this dream, they were on a date. They were sitting outside with a beautiful view in front of them. Lexa had been smiling and sipping wine as her hair blew in the wind but not enough to bother her.  </p><p>Clarke was determined to make her dream a reality. Even if she had to wait until they were forty, Clarke was going to be with Lexa again. There was absolutely no doubt in her mind. </p><p>“You okay?” Lexa asked when they ran into each other in the hall.  </p><p>“Yes,” Clarke said with a grin. “I’m perfectly fine.” </p><p>“Good,” Lexa said. There was relief written all over her face. </p><p>One day, Clarke would take Lexa on that date. But that day was not today. And Clarke would somehow be okay with that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. the talk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Murphy, you’re up!” Lincoln said from where he leaned against the counter.  </p><p>John Murphy almost dropped the charts he was carrying. It had been a while since anyone had let him take lead with a patient. It was not because they did not want to give him responsibilities. They were all used to doing things themselves.  </p><p>“Heart attack,” Costia said, walking towards Lincoln with the paperwork. “Already started an IV.” </p><p>“It’ll be easy for him then,” he said.  </p><p>Lincoln took the clipboard from Costia’s hand and she turned to look around the lobby. Clarke watched her from the rolling chair behind the nurses’ station. When Lexa came into view across the lobby, Costia grinned slightly. </p><p>“Lex,” Costia said. “Can we talk for a minute?” </p><p>Lexa glanced at Clarke behind the counter and then back at Costia. She nodded and followed her down the hallway, out of sight. Unfortunately, Clarke could not hear them either. She was not normally a nosy or jealous person, but there was nothing to keep Lexa from sleeping with someone else. They were not in a relationship.  </p><p>As Clarke started toward her rooms to do rounds, she heard Costia call back to Lexa, “I’ll call you later.” </p><p>Clarke was surprised by a sudden feeling of dread. It was the same feeling she had after they had broken up and Clarke realized Lexa was free to date other people. It had taken Clarke a year and a half to go on a date. She had no idea how long it had taken Lexa. It had taken a lot of willpower to not ask Raven for Lexa’s address just so she could drive by.  </p><p>Thankfully, Clarke managed to avoid Lexa for a few hours. She kept busy by helping Raven, letting Murphy shadow her, and doing paperwork she was behind on. Now, she and Octavia were eating in the cafeteria. Clarke sipped from her travel mug of coffee. She felt more tired than usual. </p><p>“Do you know anything about Costia?” Clarke asked suddenly. </p><p>“No,” Octavia said. “And I’m not getting in the middle of it either.” </p><p>Clarke’s shoulders slumped. “I just don’t know how to help Lexa,” she said. “I want to help her so badly.” </p><p>“You ever think that maybe she doesn’t want your help?” Octavia asked. “Maybe she wants to help herself.” </p><p>That made Clarke pause. “Did she talk to you?” she asked, surprised. </p><p>“I just think that it would be better if you didn’t hover so much,” Octavia said.  </p><p>“I don’t hover,” Clarke argued. </p><p>“Clarke, come on,” she said. “When Lexa got back, you wanted her to come back to work immediately. You wanted her to go out and stuff. You used to talk to all of us about it.” </p><p>Clarke was now convinced that Lexa had, in fact, talked to Octavia about this. Her cheeks flushed. Octavia must have told Lexa the things she said two years ago. Clarke stood and threw away her food. She was suddenly nauseous.  </p><p>“See you on the floor,” Clarke said.  </p><p>Clarke heard Octavia sigh from behind her, but she did not look back. She was embarrassed and frustrated and confused. All she wanted to do was help Lexa get back to a normal life. Clarke now understood that her idea of Lexa’s normal life involved herself. That must be what Octavia meant. Lexa wanted a normal life that was sustainable by herself. Lexa wanted to function without Clarke before she could try to function with her. The realization made her incredibly sad. </p><p>For three years, their lives were so entwined and completed by the other. They complimented each other. While Lexa was deployed, Clarke waited diligently for her to come home. She made everything perfect for Lexa’s arrival. She planned to continue their lives as if she had never left but all of Clarke's plans changed when only a shell of Lexa returned the last time. Clarke had been so excited that Lexa was retired while Lexa’s world was falling apart. She thought she was being sensitive to her needs, but, apparently, she had only made things harder for Lexa.  </p><p>Clarke realized that her own identity was so wrapped up in Lexa that it was impossible for her to move on. She did not <em> want  </em>to move on from Lexa.  </p><p>“Hey, Clarke,” she heard Lexa say from behind her. </p><p>When Clarke turned, Lexa was walking towards her with a folder in her hand. She held it out for her. “Kane told me to give you this,” Lexa said. </p><p>Clarke nodded and Lexa turned to walk away. “Hold on a second,” she said. “Lexa, wait.” </p><p>“What’s up?” Lexa asked. </p><p>“I’m, uh... I’m thinking about going back to day-shift,” Clarke said. “I think that would be better for us.” </p><p>“For us?” she asked. “What about us?” </p><p>“I mean... us a couple,” Clarke said. “I think it worked better for you when I wasn’t here.” </p><p>“Clarke, that isn’t true,” she said.  </p><p>“I appreciate that,” she said. “But this was yours. When we broke up, you got this shift. I left to keep myself from losing my mind.” </p><p>“Let’s go get breakfast or something after work,” she said. “We can talk about all of this then.” </p><p>Clarke agreed to that. She had thought being alone again with Lexa was going to excite her but all she felt was anxiety. As their shift crawled by, she felt more and more nauseous.  </p><hr/><p>“Two hot teas, please,” Lexa said to their waitress. </p><p>They both had their menus open on the table, but Clarke had no interest in eating. Once the waitress was gone, she looked at Lexa. The woman avoided her gaze for a while. </p><p>“Octavia told me that she talked to you,” Lexa admitted. “She shouldn’t have said all of that.” </p><p>“Why not?” she asked. “It’s true. I pushed you too much. I expected too much from you too soon.” </p><p>“Clarke, don’t do that,” Lexa said.  </p><p>“Obviously, that’s how you feel if you told Octavia about it,” she said. </p><p>“I was just... venting,” Lexa said. “I didn’t think she would say anything.” </p><p>“Don’t you see how that’s almost worse?” Clarke asked. “You were talking to her about me and how obnoxious I was.” </p><p>“I never said you were obnoxious,” Lexa said, frowning. “Just a little... suffocating. At the time. Not now.” </p><p>“Well, I <em>can’t</em> suffocate you anymore,” she said.  </p><p>Clarke could tell that Lexa was frustrated. “I feel like you’re upset about something specific,” Lexa finally said. “Does this have anything to do with Costia?” </p><p>“Maybe,” Clarke said. “But it’s bigger than her. It’s just... I’m just jealous. I have no right to be but I am. It’s hard to see the person I love the most in the world being with someone else. Or just being with anyone besides me. It’s just hard to go about my life not knowing if we’ll ever be together again.” </p><p>The waiter laid their mugs in front of them and Clarke was thankful. It distracted her from the crying fit she felt coming on. This whole conversation was one of the hardest conversations they had ever had.</p><p>“Clarke... I’m not seeing Costia anymore,” Lexa said. “I’ve already said that. And as far as we go... I don’t want you to depend on me like that. I’ve already proven to you that I’m not capable of handling that anymore.” </p><p>It bothered Clarke that Lexa could say these things so casually. She felt like Lexa was stomping on her chest and did not care at all that Clarke could not breathe. </p><p>“Maybe it’s wrong of me to feel this way but... I need you, Lexa,” Clarke said. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I know you went through terrible things. I know things are still hard for you to handle. Do you know what I feel when I go home alone? It feels like I’m still waiting for you to come home from Afghanistan.” </p><p>“See?” Lexa said. “How can we move forward when we are stuck in the past?” </p><p>Clarke was floored. Lexa was right. Clarke was still caught up in things that had happened between them that caused their breakup. She still felt the devastating dread that she felt when PTSD Lexa would come at her with hatred in her eyes.  </p><p>“You’re right,” Clarke said. “You’re right, Lexa. I am still stuck in the past. I never got any closure from you. I just wanted so bad to fix you. There's no fixing something like that.” </p><p>Clarke wiped the tears from her cheeks and took a deep breath. It felt so good to finally say these things.  </p><p>“You never knew what it was like for me waiting for you and I don’t know what you experienced,” Clarke said. “And maybe I’m still hung up on the fact that I had to put all of my own issues aside to deal with yours. I had to work at the hospital and take care of you, too. I resented you because I thought we could just move on from it. That you would propose to me and we would have the wedding we always talked about.” </p><p>Getting all of that off her chest made her feel so good. For once, she was not worried about hurting Lexa’s feelings or send her spiraling. Clarke had to find a way to let go of that guilt.  </p><p>“I know,” Lexa said, letting out a deep breath. Her shoulders slumped too. “I knew you resented me. I felt guilty. But I was terrified of losing you. When I held that gun to you, it changed me. I couldn’t believe I could ever do that to you. I do love you, Clarke. I love you more than anything. But it terrified me knowing I could do that.” </p><p>Clarke reached out and laid her hand over Lexa’s. She grinned, but it was still teary and a bit sad. At least, she had received some answers.  </p><p>“Can we start over?” Clarke asked. “We can take things slow.” </p><p>A tear slipped down Lexa’s cheeks now, too. “I can try,” she said. “I do want to be with you.” </p><p>Clarke brought Lexa’s hand toward her to kiss the back of it. She felt like crying too but managed to hold them in. “Thank you,” she said. </p><p>After they ate, Lexa drove them towards the hospital so Clarke could drive her car home. Clarke kept grinning as they rode together. She was so happy that Lexa was willing to give her another chance. They were both getting another chance.  </p><p>“Would it be too much to ask you to come over?” Clarke asked. </p><p>Lexa thought about it for a moment. “No, I don’t think so,” she said. </p><p>“Will you come over?” Clarke asked. </p><p>Lexa drove past the hospital parking lot and toward Clarke’s building instead of answering her question. Clarke smiled to herself and squeezed Lexa’s hand on the center console. When they got to her building, Clarke led her up the stairs.  </p><p>Lexa barely got the apartment door closed before Clarke was kissing her. She led Lexa back to her room, not caring at all if this was too much, because she needed this. Knowing Lexa still loved and wanted her was enough to set her body on fire. Lexa wanted this, too. She laid Clarke back on her bed and straddled her thighs. </p><hr/><p>Two hours later, they lay breathlessly beside each other. Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand from between their bodies and held it to her chest.  </p><p>“You have new tattoos,” Clarke said softly. “Will you tell me about them?” </p><p>“Another time,” Lexa said, turning so she could rest her head on Clarke’s shoulder.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. victims and suspects</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts!!! please do not read if you are sensitive. it starts in the italicized flashback (you may skip without missing any plot)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“And you said we would take things slow,” Lexa teased.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa was sitting on </span>
  <span>Clarke’s</span>
  <span> bed that afternoon. They had slept and were now getting ready to go into work. Well, Clarke was getting ready for work. Lexa was off tonight which was </span>
  <em>
    <span>unfair</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Not that Clarke did not want to go to work but she did not want to be away from Lexa for a second. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that was the reason they broke up two years ago. Clarke needed to give Lexa space. They had to be individuals outside of their relationship, too. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke smiled at her from the bathroom as she fixed her hair. “We are,” she said. “Starting now. I needed to get that out of my system first.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa laughed. “Starting now then,” she agreed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Lexa drove her to the hospital for her shift, she could not believe her luck. Things felt so different than they had felt yesterday. Clarke's future with Lexa had been so uncertain. Now, she knew things could be different. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The car stopped near the ambulance bay doors. Clarke looked over at Lexa who was grinning at </span>
  <span>her.</span>
  <span> It looked like she did not want Clarke to go and it almost made Clarke’s heart explode. Lexa was the first one to lean over and kiss her goodbye. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” Lexa said, pressing their foreheads together. “Be careful tonight.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will,” she replied. “See you tomorrow.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke got out of </span>
  <span>Lexa’s</span>
  <span> car after grabbing her white coat from the backseat. She carried it inside. Lincoln and Octavia were standing very close as they spoke in the lobby. Clarke stopped next to them.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Lincoln said. “Just getting O caught up on patients.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anything I should know?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s a police officer outside one of the rooms,” Lincoln said. “I’m not sure who he’s guarding. I’ll ask Indra when I find her.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke saw the officer on her way to the locker room. He looked very intimidating. Clarke was glad Lexa had the night off. The gun on the man’s belt was daunting. That was something Clarke still needed to figure out about Lexa. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>What are her episodes like now?</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ she thought.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s first mission was to stop calling them </span>
  <em>
    <span>episodes</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Lexa had trauma in her life too horrible for Clarke to even imagine. She wanted Lexa to talk to her about some of her experiences, but she could not push her like she had before. Things had to be different this time around. Clarke was thankful to show Lexa that she could change. She could be better.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>PTSD was a terrible and serious disorder. Clarke was willing to do therapy with Lexa if that’s what she wanted. Clarke had wanted that before and, as far she knew, Lexa was still participating in exposure therapy. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Griffin, do you know what’s going on with the officer here?” Raven asked when she entered the locker room.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No idea,” Clarke said. “By the way, is there something going on between O and Lincoln?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Oooh</span>
  <span>, I don’t know,” she replied as if it were a conspiracy. “I can find out though.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t </span>
  <span>embarrass</span>
  <span> them, Rae,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t,” Raven said. “I’ll be sneaky about it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven was gone before Clarke could take back her question. This was not going to end well. Raven had a big mouth and was unable to keep a secret. She was also unable to be discreet about anything. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke put on her white coat as she exited the locker room. Indra was already running toward the ambulance bay. Something big must have happened. </span>
  <span>All</span>
  <span> the available nurses were also running out the doors. Raven was already assisting a paramedic with a patient on a gurney. Clarke saw a lot of blood on the sheet under the man. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lincoln followed another stretcher as the paramedics went through vitals with him. Lincoln was frowning which usually meant he did not think the patient could be helped.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Building </span>
  <span>collapsed</span>
  <span>,” Indra said as she walked past quickly to keep up with </span>
  <span>Lincoln’s</span>
  <span> patient.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s arms ached after ten minutes of chest compressions. They had been working on the poor woman since she came in by ambulance. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m calling it,” Clarke said, sighing. “Ten-thirty pm.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke glanced at her one last time before leaving the room. There were six other people in critical condition from the accident. She joined Octavia who was removing a wooden plank from a patient’s side. She did not even have to assist with how confident and skilled Octavia was. Clarke was proud of her. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the other room, there was a blanket over a second deceased patient. It was the person Lincoln had come in with. Lincoln was stabilizing another patient with a large wound from something smashing his arm. Raven was in the OR with a patient. The last victim was being hooked to an IV by Indra. She was in obvious pain but the wound on her leg was already stitched up and propped in the air.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Four hours had passed before Clarke checked the time again. The four victims were stable, but some would probably need surgeries when the surgeons arrived that day. Two of them had already been moved to ICU.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, the cop told me that the building collapsed because it caught on fire,” Raven said. “You know that </span>
  <span>guy</span>
  <span> I operated on? He started it on purpose.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Why?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not sure,” she said. “He hasn’t woken up yet in </span>
  <span>ICU,</span>
  <span> but he owned the restaurant it started in and they found evidence of arson.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow,” Clarke said. “He killed two innocent </span>
  <span>people?</span>
  <span> That’s so unfair.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Raven said, frowning.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They gave the victims a moment of silence and it felt weighted. The apparent arsonist survived while two others did not. She wished to be home right now. She wished she were lying in bed with Lexa than surrounded by all this death. This was her job. Death was inevitable here.</span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa had not gotten out of their bed all day. It was four o’clock in the afternoon and she was still sleeping. Clarke went into the room and saw her breakfast uneaten on the nightstand. She took the tray but left the cup of water. She looked down at her girlfriend. The covers were in a crumpled heap on the ground. The pillows had also been thrown across the room in, what Clarke can only assume, was a fit Lexa had.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She had to go back to work tomorrow after three days off. Clarke had requested the days off to spend with Lexa when she returned home. Clarke had, stupidly, thought they would go on dates and get reacquainted. Instead, Lexa just slept. When she was not sleeping, Lexa was upset about something. She refused to eat. Clarke had to fill the tub herself or else Lexa would not clean herself every day. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke was tired of making food that Lexa would not eat. She was tired of eating alone in the living room. It felt like Lexa had not returned home at all. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>After a long shower, Clarke crawled into bed beside Lexa. She turned on her side so she could stare at her girlfriend’s back and hair. She reached out and fingered a strand of her hair.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Get off of me,” Lexa said. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke pulled her hand away quickly. Her cheeks flushed with head and her chest felt tight now. She just turned on her other side and stared at her alarm clock instead. She focused on her breathing. Normally, they would turn the TV on and watch an episode of something until they were tired. Lexa had not wanted to watch TV at all. Lexa did not want to do anything she enjoyed before leaving.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lexa?” Clarke whispered. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?” she grumbled.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What do you need from me?” Clarke asked.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing,” Lexa replied. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Something is wrong,” she whispered. “How can I help you?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You can’t,” Lexa replied. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What happened over there, sweetheart? Talk to me,” she said, practically begging.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa made an annoyed sound and threw their comforter on the ground again. She stood from the bed. Clarke watched her go into the bathroom, hopefully for a shower, but Lexa slammed the door as hard as she could. Clarke flinched at the sound. There was no sound of running water. Clarke began to panic about what she was doing in there. Terrible thoughts ran through her head.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lexa,” Clarke said, knocking on the door. “Open the door. I have a key, you know.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke waited two full minutes before knocking again. Lexa finally unlocked </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>it</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> but Clarke had to push it open. When she went in, Lexa was changing into another set of sweatpants and a tee shirt. Clarke noticed that she was not wearing one of Clarke’s university tees like she used to love to sleep in. For some reason, that was enough to break her heart. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Did you think I was in her slitting my wrists or something?” Lexa asked, annoyed.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, of course not,” Clarke lied. “I just... I’m worried about you.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t be,” she said. Lexa pushed past her through the door again and went into the kitchen. She rubbed her shoulder where Lexa knocked her own into Clarke’s.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Where’s the damn tea? Or even the bread? Did you not buy anything at the store today?” Lexa accused.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Y-yes, I did,” she said. “The tea in on the counter and the bread is in the cabinet. I bought all the things you like.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wow, thanks,” Lexa said. “That must have been so difficult for you.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lexa, I... I wasn’t saying it like I didn’t want to,” she defended. “I love doing those things for you.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Go to sleep, Clarke,” Lexa said. “You have to go back to work tomorrow and I’m not going to be sleeping for a while.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can stay up with you,” Clarke said.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t want you to stay up with me,” Lexa said. “Is that what you want to hear? I want you to leave me alone.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke did not say another word before she went back to their room. She cried into her pillow, silently, as she tried to fall asleep. She had a nightmare that Lexa had not come out of the bathroom... alive. When she screamed and sat up in bed, Lexa had a panic attack for two hours straight. She did not once ask Clarke what had caused her to scream. Even once Lexa was calm again due to Clarke talking her down for the entire two hours. Lexa had not pushed her away once that time. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. drama</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun was barely up when Clarke got home that morning. She laid down in bed to sleep but grabbed her phone after a few minutes.  </p><p>‘<em> Are you awake? </em>’ Clarke texted. </p><p>It took five minutes of Clarke staring at her phone until Lexa replied, ‘<em> Yes, how was work? </em>’ </p><p>Clarke smiled to herself. This felt as exciting as it did when they first started dating. ‘<em> Pretty bad </em> ,’ she typed. ‘ <em> Building collapse </em>.’ </p><p>‘<em> That’s terrible </em>,’ Lexa replied.  </p><p>‘<em> I’ll bring your lunch for tonight’s shift </em>,’ Clarke sent. </p><p>‘<em> Thank you </em>,’ she replied. </p><p>Clarke put her phone on the charger and tried to turn off her brain to sleep. She kept thinking about how the people felt as the building collapsed on them... </p><p><em> Clarke carried Lexa’s favorite takeout food up the stairs to their apartment. She was so happy to be living with Lexa again. Their apartment looked as though she had not moved out for two years. Clarke unlocked their door with her key. She laid the bag on the table and took off her jacket. </em> </p><p><em> As she walked down the hallway, she heard weird noises coming from behind the door. At first, Clarke thought Lexa was in pain. But when she got closer, she heard moaning of pleasure instead.  </em> </p><p><em> “Oh, Lexa,” someone said. </em> </p><p><em> Clarke knew who it was without seeing her. She refused to believe it. Lexa would never... cheat. She could not cheat because Clarke would have to leave. Clarke would have to leave for good. She wondered if she were imagining the sounds. Maybe Lexa was having a good dream about Clarke. </em> </p><p><em> But when Clarke opened the door, she froze in the doorway.  </em> <em> Costia </em> <em>  and Lexa were wrapped up together in their bed. Lexa was cheating on her in the bed that they had bought together. The same bed with Clarke had held her for hours as she cried. Her Lexa was sleeping with someone else. </em> </p><p><em> Costia </em> <em>  looked back at her first. Lexa was laid back on Clarke’s pillow. She had not noticed Clarke yet. But when Lexa did, she made no moves to get up. Lexa was not even surprised to see Clarke standing there. She had been expecting it.  </em> </p><p><em> Clarke met  </em> <em> Costia </em> <em>  eyes, her jaw hanging open and shocked.  </em> <em> Costia </em> <em>  smirked... </em> </p><p>Clarke jolted awake. Her heart was pounding and her jaw was sore from how tightly she was clenching her teeth. She let her mouth go slack as she sat up in bed. After fumbling for her phone, Clarke decided against texting Lexa again. </p><p>Oddly enough, Clarke was upset with Lexa. The dream was not reality, she knew, but it had felt so real. The sounds had been so real. Her heartache was real. Somewhere deep down, she was still upset about Lexa’s relationship with Costia. Clarke had no right to be upset since she had dated Finn. The difference was that she no longer saw Finn. Lexa still saw Costia almost every shift. And they were obviously still friends.  </p><p>Clarke chalked the dream up to her stress. The shift had been tough. All the excitement from the day before had been amazing but also emotionally draining. Lexa had done nothing to deserve Clarke being upset with her.  </p><p>On her way to the hospital, Clarke picked up Chinese food. She still remembered Lexa’s order. She put the bag in the breakroom to keep it cold until their lunch breaks.  </p><p>Raven stumbled in, doing some weird dance, but stopped the moment she noticed Indra in the hall. She stood straight and put her hand to her forehead in a salute.  </p><p>“No horseplay, sarg,” Raven joked.  </p><p>Indra pulled her hand from her forehead as she walked by, smiling. “You did real good yesterday, Dr. Reyes,” she said. “That man’s going to get what he deserves in prison now because of you.” </p><p>Clarke could have sworn she saw Raven blush. Raven could not reply before Indra walked away. When Raven met Clarke’s eyes, she quickly rushed off to the locker room to change. Clarke could tell that the compliment from Indra made her so happy. It was a sweet thing of Indra to say. As much as the two of them fight, they both admire each other.  </p><p>Lexa walked into the hospital carrying a tray of coffees. She laid them on the counter before passing them out to Indra, Raven, and Octavia. Clarke smiled as she took hers.  </p><p>“Why are you in such a good mood?” Clarke asked, grinning. </p><p>“I just woke up happy,” Lexa said. “Is that a crime?” </p><p>“I guess not,” Clarke replied, staring at her over the rim of her cup. “Thanks, Lexa.” </p><p>Lexa winked at her before following Raven down the hall. Clarke’s cheek flushed. She walked back to her office and left the door open just in case. Since things were slow, she used the time to catch up on emails and paperwork she had been putting off.  </p><p>Outside of the room, she heard Lexa talking to Raven. Raven was asking Lexa if she was still having problems. Clarke had no idea what kind of problems they were talking about and she felt guilty for listening.  </p><p>“You should just tell her,” Raven said.  </p><p>“Not yet,” Lexa said. “Like I said, ask me again in a week.” </p><p>Clarke could not get anything done after that. She wanted to ask Lexa what they were talking about. She assumed they were talking about PTSD symptoms, but she had no way of knowing for certain. Raven had mostly overcome her own episodes that had, at one time, plagued her work life. Medication had worked for Raven. Medication for anxiety and depression was helpful to many PTSD victims. Lexa had refused medication while they were together, but she wondered if Lexa had eventually decided to try them.  </p><p>Clarke wondered if the ‘her’ Raven mentioned was herself or someone else. She wanted to know so badly. She walked out of her office then in hopes that they would see how close she was and assume she had heard them.  </p><p>“I was coming to look for you,” Raven said. “You want to take lead on a heart surgery? Bleeding around her defibulator.” </p><p>“Sure,” Clarke said. “Send O in to assist me.” </p><p>Clarke barely met their eyes as she started toward the OR hall to find her patient. She thought about her dream. Clarke kept seeing Costia’s cocky face as she slept with her girlfriend. Not only did she have Costia to worry about but now she had whatever was going on with Lexa to worry about, too.  </p><hr/><p>When Clarke finished with the surgery, she was looking forward to eating the food she had brought for Lexa. At least they could have a few minutes of alone time to not worry about anything else. Clarke was already tired of worrying.  </p><p>Clarke entered the break room to get the food but found Lexa and Raven already sitting at the table. They were eating the Chinese food she had brought. Most of the containers were empty and the food she bought for herself was gone. Clarke was on the verge of tears. It was a stupid reason to cry but this entire shift had been so stressful, and it was only halfway over. </p><p>The two of them must have assumed she had already eaten what she wanted from the takeout bag.</p><p>“Hey,” Raven said as she chewed the food. “Thanks for dinner.” </p><p>Lexa smiled at her and then twisted more noodles around her fork. “Yes, thank you,” she said. </p><p>“Sure,” Clarke said before leaving the room again. </p><p>Clarke was an adult. She could handle feeling a little sad without it affecting her life, especially when she had so many other things to worry about. Right now, it just felt like everything with Lexa was so overwhelming while Lexa knew nothing about it. But Clarke knew what happened when she stressed Lexa out. Plus, she did not want to be accused of hovering.  </p><p>“Everything’s fine,” Clarke said to herself as she sat behind her desk again. “Everything is great.” </p><p>Maybe Clarke would eventually believe that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. a new start</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You’re upset about something,” Lexa said two days later.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke had arrived late to her shift. She was only late by five minutes, but it was enough to make everyone notice. Clarke was usually early. Lexa sent a text to her earlier and Clarke did not respond. All day she had nightmares about Lexa cheating on her, so she was also exhausted.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” she replied, looking around the desk for a form she could have sworn she had laid here. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa grabbed her arms and held her still. “Tell me what’s wrong,” she said. “You didn’t even answer me earlier and now you won’t even look at me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke took a deep breath. “I just didn’t sleep well today,” she explained.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Lexa asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just because,” she said, shrugging. “I couldn’t fall asleep and then I kept waking up.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Lexa said. “Why don’t you come home with me tonight?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Clarke asked. “Being in our old apartment?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I live there every day,” Lexa said. “It’s been fine for me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” Clarke said. “Maybe I’ll go over there after work.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>This did not feel like the relationship they had at the beginning five years ago. Clarke had not been this stressed out since medical school or when Lexa was at her worst. She needed about a week’s worth of vacation to recover. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Things were different now. Lexa was not in the military. Clarke was technically her boss. That must be why everything felt different. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>To make matters worse, Costia showed up to the ER twice that night. Every time Clarke saw her face, she got more frustrated. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Surgeries took up most of her time. Of course, she did not wish anyone to be hurt but she was glad to stay busy. Lexa mostly stayed busy too, so they did not have to interact much. Raven and Octavia had the night off. Lincoln never bothered her, and Indra was happy to take charge when Clarke was not around. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s fingers and wrists ached by the end of her shift. She was already out the front doors before Lexa caught up with her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey!” Lexa called, jogging to catch up with Clarke. “I thought we were hanging out.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I should just go home,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Why? We haven’t seen each other outside of here in like three days,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just... stressed out and I don’t want to upset you,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke,” Lexa said, sighing. “You’re allowed to be upset. You can talk to me. It honestly stresses me out to see you so stressed out. You’re upset with me about something.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s Costia,” Clarke blurted out. Her cheeks flushed. “It’s everything. I brought that Chinese food for us to eat together. I’m sick of dreaming about you cheating on me. I overheard you and Raven talking about me. I just feel like I’m always walking on eggshells and I’m so, so overwhelmed.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s eyes widened with everything she added in her rant. By the end of it, Clarke was breathless, and a little bit scared, but relieved. Lexa slowly reached out and put her hands on Clarke’s shoulders.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Lexa started. “First, I don’t like Costia. I know it sucks that you see her all the time but we’re only friends now. Secondly, Lincoln said that you had already eaten the other day. What exactly did you hear Raven and I saying?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She was asking if someone still had problems and that you should tell me,” Clarke said. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but my office door was open.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke, she was asking about my mother,” she explained. “Mom got admitted to a rehab place.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Clarke said, guilt flooding her now. “I’m sorry.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” she said. “You had no idea. She got hooked on pills after a car accident a few years ago. She’s getting better. You dream that I’m cheating on you?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sighed. “Yes, every single time I try to sleep,” she answered. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of saying anything, Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke in a hug. She kissed the top of Clarke’s head as she held her. Clarke felt a million times better. It was easy for Lexa to make her happy. Clarke realized that most of this was her own fault anyway. She had always tended to overreact and not tell anyone until she worked through the problems herself. Maybe that was why Lexa had broken up with her in the first place.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “You were right,” she said. “I can’t stop thinking about how things used to be.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Lexa said. “Because I hurt you so badly. I did horrible things. You’re traumatized by that. I mean, Clarke... I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>abusive </span>
  </em>
  <span>to you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke gasped and pulled away to look at her fully. “Don’t say that,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not saying that I did it on purpose but that’s what it was, sweetheart,” she said. “I don’t even know how you can give me a second chance after everything. But I can promise you that I’m not going to screw this one up. The cheating dreams... it’s probably a manifestation of your fear that things will be the same as they were.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe,” she said, sighing. “Maybe you’re right. I just think we need to go on dates and stuff. Take things slow. I said that before but... I mean it. I really do need a fresh start, Lexa.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Lexa said. “Let me take you out tonight. What about five o’clock?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” she said. “A date sounds wonderful.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” Lexa said, kissing her temple. </span>
  <span>“Do you feel better? You seem a little less stressed.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I feel a lot better,” </span>
  <span>Clarke said. “I guess I have a lot of things to work on, too. To be honest, I need to work on trusting you again.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll earn your trust again, Clarke,” she said softly. “I promise.” </span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Clarke had not told her parents anything about dating Lexa yet. She knew they would get their hopes up and put pressure on them. </span>
  <span>Abby would assume they could pick right up where they left off. She wanted a wedding and grandchildren</span>
  <span> as she so often said. </span>
  <span>Clarke was not even sure she wanted kids. </span>
  <span>If they had any, they would have one and that was it. Lexa had never mentioned a strong desire for a child. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her dad had called as she tried to fall asleep, so she was still exhausted when she arrived at the restaurant for their date. It felt like she no longer got any sleep. But she also did not get to talk to her dad that often and she missed him a lot.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Clarke,” Lexa said from behind her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke turned and smiled. Lexa was not dressed in scrubs or sweatpants. Her hair was down. She looked relaxed and Clarke was thankful for that. She was giving herself time to adjust to this new Lexa she wanted to get to know.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” she said before kissing her softly. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat across from each other once led to the table. Lexa reached for her hand. “I’m really happy to be here with you,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am so happy, too,” she said. “I’m sorry about everything earlier and how I’ve been acting these past few days.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t apologize,” Lexa said. “We have some things to work on together. And we have plenty of time to do it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa raised Clarke’s hand to her mouth and kissed the back of it. Clarke smiled.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. hostages</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>warning: heavy angst ahead (v dramatic)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Clarke walked into work a month later, she had no idea what was about to happen. She was thinking about the day spent with Lexa. They walked around the city for a while, eating lunch on the patio of a restaurant they liked, and even met up with Raven. For the past few weeks, Raven had been hinting at knowing the two of them were together again. Neither Clarke nor Lexa had been ready to share their new relationship with anyone else. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They had discussed having a dinner with Abby and Jake to give them the news. Eventually, they settled on telling her parents this weekend or next weekend depending on everyone’s work schedules. Clarke knew how happy her mother, especially, was going to be about this but she was not looking forward to the pressure to get married. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke and Lexa mainly kept their hands to themselves while at work. Only once had they had the chance to sneak away for half an hour. Just like the last time they were dating and worked together, they did not want to flaunt their relationship to everyone they worked with and the patients. It was easier this way. They got their privacy but were not embarrassed about anything. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Halfway through the shift, Clarke was in her office when an alarm went off. She stood and looked up and down the hallway. Everyone was looking to her for answers, but she had never heard this type of alarm before. The ER wing doors were also closed now and locked. Clarke tried to push on them, but they did not budge.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke, what’s going on?” Lexa asked with Raven at her side. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lincoln came out of a trauma room and looked at them, too. Then, he looked around for Octavia, Clarke assumed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke heard screams from the lobby and then oud noises. Her first thought was gunshots. She immediately looked to Lexa, expecting her to be amid a panic attack, but she was running toward the sounds instead. Raven was right behind her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Panic filled her when she saw a man at the end of the hall aiming a gun at the two of them. The breath was sucked from her lungs. Lexa was standing in front of Raven and would get the worst of it if the man took the shot. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re going to do exactly as I say and no one will get hurt,” he said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked back at the heavy doors blocking the ER wing from the rest of the hospital. He must have locked them from the outside before coming here. She could barely hear Lexa saying something, pleading with the man, but he kept the gun pointed at her. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing was making sense to Clarke. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Where were the security guards? Who was watching the cameras? Are we going to die here tonight?</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke held up her hands as she slowly walked towards the man and Lexa. He turned slightly and aimed the gun at her. She squeezed her eyes shut, so she did not have to witness her own shooting. When nothing happened, she opened them again. Lexa was now standing in front of her instead. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t aim your gun at her,” Lexa said in a threatening voice Clarke had never heard before. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are going to operate on my wife,” the man said. “And if she dies, you die. Got it?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Lexa said. “Whatever you want. Where is your wife?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man glanced back at a woman lying on a gurney with blood pouring from her stomach. Clarke rushed over to her and immediately put a hand over her wound in hopes of stopping the bleeding even a little bit. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s get her to an OR,” Clarke said to Indra who only nodded and helped Clarke push the gurney. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once they were far enough away from the man, Indra whispered, “She’s not going to make it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Clarke said sadly. “I’ll figure something out, okay? Get her prepped.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke walked back out the lobby where the man was holding his gun up to Lexa and Raven. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need the both of them to help with the surgery if you want your wife to survive,” Clarke said. “You can watch from the prep room if you would like.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man only nodded and motioned them toward the OR hall with his gun. Lexa and Raven looked at her questioningly. They scrubbed up quickly, not bothering with every step on their time crunch, and rushed into the room. Clarke could still feel the weight of the man’s gun pointed at her despite the think glass </span>
  <span>separating</span>
  <span> them. It was not bullet-proof.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s almost dead,” Clarke whispered. “Just pretend to do something.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” Lexa asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked up at her over her mask. “No,” she admitted. “But we have to stall him until someone rescues us.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Lexa said. “I promise that I won’t let anything happen to you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then start operating, Lexa,” Clarke said firmly. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman flatlined after only five minutes and she could feel the man seething. She heard him shouting something behind the glass. Clarke took the heart rate monitor off the woman’s finger and put it on her own underneath the table. The beeping started up again after Raven did a couple chest compressions.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s heart ached for this woman. She was pretty sure this man had shot her and was now trying to cover up his tracks in the stupidest way possible. Clarke wondered if the dead woman in front of her was ever happy. She hoped so. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked up at Lexa who looked so thoughtful and intense. She was plotting as if this was a war zone. The hospital was their safe place and now it never would be safe to them again. Every time Clarke walked the hall or operated in this </span>
  <span>room,</span>
  <span> it would be tainted by this experience. Never had she been so scared in her life. She briefly wondered what she would do if something happened to Lexa. She doubted she would be able to go on without her. Clarke would never be able to enter this hospital again where they shared so many memories, good and bad. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No one is coming for us, Clarke,” Lexa finally said. “What are we going to do?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Clarke whispered, her eyes feeling heavy and teary. “I’ll go talk to him. Maybe I can convince him to leave or something.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Absolutely not,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have to agree with Lexa,” Raven said. “He’s clearly unstable. He might shoot you just for breathing the wrong way. Let me go.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Clarke said. She quickly slipped the heart monitor on Raven’s finger beside her. “You both need to trust me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do trust you,” Lexa said. “Don’t do this, Clarke.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa, I can’t stand around and wait for him to come in here and shoot us all,” she said. “Anything is better than waiting and letting him get even more worked up.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I forbid you to go out there, Clarke,” Lexa said seriously. She walked around to her side of the bed and put her hand around Clarke’s wrist. Lexa was again standing between Clarke and the gun. “I’m going.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” she said. “No. It was my idea.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am trained,” Lexa said. “I’ll have a better chance of disarming him.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke took a deep breath in and let it out. There was no way to argue with that. “Fine,” she said. “But I’m going with you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stepped out of the operating room together. The man looked toward them expectantly. “She’s doing okay, but she will need to stay for a few days,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, she’s leaving with me tonight,” he said. “I can take care of her.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sir, she could tear something if she tries to move,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man was seething now and aimed the gun at them. Everything after that happened so quickly. Lexa stepped closer, blocking her, as she reached for the gun. Clarke was sure that Lexa had gotten it from his hand when he managed to pull the trigger. She screamed because Clarke was positive that Lexa had been shot. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was only after she saw Lexa stand up straight that she saw the woman was okay. Lexa was staring at Clarke’s stomach and she noticed an intense pain now. She looked down and saw a red stain there. It was spreading. Clarke touched the spot over her scrubs. It was fresh. It was her own blood. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The last thing Clarke heard before passing out was Lexa screaming her name.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. stomach and heart stitches</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The constant beeping was an annoying thing. She could not get whatever it was to just </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Her arms were too heavy to move, Clarke noticed, but she just wanted the sounds to stop. Clarke recognized the words </span>
  <em>
    <span>surgery </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>gun</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Her eyes opened and she was blinded for a long moment. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke?” </span>
  <span>someone</span>
  <span> said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mom?” Clarke asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s me, honey,” Abby said. “Your dad’s here too.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The scene around her was becoming clearer now. She could make out her parents’ faces. They were frowning and seemed upset. She could not figure out why</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, Clarke remembered why she was lying here right now. She remembered her own blood covering her hand and Lexa’s face before she fainted. Clarke was not even sure why she had passed out. She reached down and touched the place where the bullet had gone into her body.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where is Lexa?” Clarke asked again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was hurt that Lexa was not here the second she woke up. Had it been Lexa in the bed, Clarke would not leave her side no matter what. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s here at the hospital somewhere,” Jake said. “Lexa is the one who did your surgery, Clarke. Her and Raven.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They did?” she asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who else would have done it?” Jake asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about the guy who shot me?” Clarke asked. “What happened to him?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He was dead when the police arrived,” Abby said. “We aren’t sure what happened exactly. Do you want me to find Lexa?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke knew what had happened. It did not take a genius to figure out how the man ended up dead. She thought of the guy’s face after shooting her. He had been surprised. Lexa had gotten the gun away from him after it went off. There was only one explanation as to how he died.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Abby left the room. Clarke felt sick to her stomach as she looked around the room. In this room alone, she had witnessed so many people die. This hospital was tainted. It was unlucky. By the time Lexa entered the room, Clarke was debating where she would work now. She could not stay here after their experience. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa stayed against the wall by the door. Lexa was barely looking at her and Clarke’s chest filled with dread. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I heard you did the surgery,” Clarke said. “You did a really good job. I’m hardly in any pain at all.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, right, Clarke,” she replied. “You wouldn’t even be here if it was not because of me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really? That’s how you want this conversation to go?” Clarke asked. “I’m high on pain meds and you want to </span>
  <span>self-deprecate</span>
  <span>.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not,” Lexa said. “I’m just speaking the truth. He shot you because of me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa, he was going to shoot someone no matter what,” she said angrily. “I’m alive and I’ll recover just fine. You’ve performed hundreds of these surgeries. You’ve taken out bullets in the middle of a battlefield. Raven even told me about you removing a bullet you had put in someone. An enemy at that! Why is this any different?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because those people were not </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Lexa explained. “All I do is hurt you, Clarke. Don’t you see that? Somehow you give me all these chances that I don’t deserve. I can’t do it anymore, Clarke. I can’t be with you anymore.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Somehow, those words hurt worse than being shot. They had finally been getting back to normal, the normal without PTSD episodes, before this. Clarke was finally happy again. But now it felt like she would never be happy again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t do this, Lexa,” Clarke begged. “I could never, ever blame you for this. You... you blame yourself for everything.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t get worked up right now,” she said. “The wound will open if you move too much.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>How can I not get worked up when my world is ending?</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ Clarke asked herself. Instead of arguing further, she laid her head back on the uncomfortable pillow. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just go, Lexa,” Clarke said. “Don’t let anyone come in.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke thought she had heard Lexa sniffle before the woman turned and left the room. The door closed with a loud click. Clarke could not deal with her relationship ending right now. Her stomach was starting to hurt. Her chest and heart hurt so much worse.</span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Thankfully, Clarke slept. She woke up in the middle of the night. Raven had her feet propped up on Clarke’s bed as she read a magazine. She watched her best friend for a while before clearing her throat.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re awake,” Raven said. “Do you need more pain medicine? Indra’s here tonight.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I’m okay,” she said. “I would really like to go home though.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I figured you’d be ready to go,” Raven said. “I can drive you. But I’ll be staying with her for a few days. You still have that guest room?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Clarke replied. “Where is Lexa?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven shrugged. “She pissed me off, so I made her go home,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Clarke asked. “What happened? I hope you weren’t mean.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I was very mean,” Raven said. “She was being ridiculous. Making this whole thing about herself.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke wished so badly that it was Lexa who would be staying with her while she recovered. Raven was great, and just as qualified, but Raven was not going to make her pancakes in the shape of a heart or know how she liked her coffee without asking. It hit Clarke that she might never have those things again. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You deserve better, Clarke,” Raven said. “I’ll get you signed out and pull the car to the front.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke cried for the first time since Lexa broke up with her </span>
  <em>
    <span>again</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It was frustrating that she could not just get out of the bed and chase after her. But maybe she should not chase after Lexa. All she ever did was try and try to make things good for Lexa and this is how she gets repaid. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time Raven came back to get her, she was done crying. Clarke was just depressed about the entire situation. She needed Lexa now more than ever and the woman was </span>
  <span>nowhere</span>
  <span> to be found. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks for offering to stay with me,” Clarke said as Raven wheeled her to the door. “You don’t have to. I can ask my mom to stay with me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told your mom that I wanted to do it and I took the week off,” Raven said. “Sorry, but you’re stuck with me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was lucky to have such an amazing best friend. Once she was settled in Raven’s car, her stomach really started to hurt. She grunted with every single bump and turn. Raven kept apologizing. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as she was settled in her bed at home, Clarke grabbed her phone. She tried to call Lexa, but it went straight to voicemail. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need you to do me a huge favor,” Clarke said to Raven. “I need you to go check on Lexa. I’m worried about her.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke, you need to focus on yourself,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just... go over there and make sure she’s okay,” Clarke said. “Please?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven sighed but nodded. “Fine,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>While Raven was gone, Clarke tried to get up and find her pain medicine. Tears sprang to her eyes when it felt like her skin on her stomach was tearing open slowly. She noticed a little bit of blood where one of the stitches ripped. Raven was not going to be happy about this at all. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke swallowed down the pills with the water on her nightstand. She reached over and grabbed the pillow Lexa had slept on just a few nights ago. She pressed the soft fabric to her face and inhaled deeply. It smelt so much like Lexa that it made her cry again.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. more nightmares</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clarke laid in bed for five days. Raven was doing an amazing job at taking care of her wound and keeping Clarke company, but they were avoiding the topic of Lexa like the plague.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Raven returned from Lexa’s apartment five days earlier, she told Clarke that Lexa was fine. Lexa had told Raven that she would be returning to work the next day. The thing that hurt the worst was Raven coming back with a bag of clothes Clarke had left in Lexa’s bedroom. The clothes were still in the same bag and laying in her own bedroom now. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke had gotten angrier at Lexa as the days passed. She was upset that after everything Clarke had done for her, Lexa could not be here for her just this once. Clarke loved Lexa more than anyone in the world, but this was a heartbreaking realization. It made her question everything. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m hungry,” Raven said. “Are you hungry?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess,” Clarke said. “What are you thinking?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I was thinking that we could get you up and walking around today,” Raven said. “Maybe we can walk to that sandwich shop on the next block. You need </span>
  <span>some</span>
  <span> fresh air.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do I have to?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” she replied.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke carefully sat up and turned to sit on the edge of the bed. It was not the pain from her surgery that made it hard to move. It was the depression. When Lexa broke up with her the first time, she had work to distract her. Clarke could take a walk through the park or eat an entire chocolate cake to momentarily feel better. But she could do neither of those things without damaging herself even more. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They walked to the sandwich shop slowly. Clarke felt better once she was outside and a part of the world again. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me what happened when you went to Lexa’s,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Raven asked. “You probably already know what she said. Something about her always hurting you and not protecting you and then she brought up all the stuff that happened when she returned from the war and I made her stop.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why did you make her stop?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because you never told me about the half the </span>
  <span>shit</span>
  <span> she did to you, Clarke,” Raven said. “She said she used to push you all of the time. She said you had to come to work </span>
  <span>multiple</span>
  <span> times with makeup covering bruises. Why did you not tell me then? I could have done something about it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What could you have done?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I could have beaten the shit out of her for one thing,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke could tell that Raven did not mean that. She was just angry on Clarke’s behalf because she was a good friend. Raven might also by angry because all this was going on without her knowing at all. They were supposed to be best friends. To Raven, that meant zero secrets between them.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t want that,” Clarke said. “No one saw how bad she had it but me. She used to scream all night long. Some days, I couldn’t even get her out of bed. She couldn’t even hear a TV or it would send her into a panic attack.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand that, Clarke,” Raven said. “But she refused therapy and treatment for months. If she wanted to stop hurting you, why did she turn it down?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke did not have a good answer to defend Lexa, despite how desperately she wanted to. Raven could tell but did not comment. They arrived at the restaurant and Clarke sat down while Raven ordered. She was starting to pity herself.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke could pick out Lexa’s voice from a crowd of a million people. She wished she would have, at least, put on a little makeup before coming out. Her hair was probably a mess in the ponytail, too.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, Lexa,” Clarke said, looking up at her. Of course, Lexa looked breathtaking.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked over at Raven who had not noticed her yet. Lexa followed her gaze. “I’ll go,” she said. “I’m... I’m glad you’re feeling better, Clarke. You look great.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks,” she said. “Can we maybe... talk? Not now but soon. Maybe you could come over tonight.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think so,” Lexa said. “I’ll see you when you come back to the hospital, okay?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” she said, forcing a grin. Clarke wondered if her eyes were betraying her by getting teary. “It was really good to see you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You too,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke watched her leave. She could not take feeling this way any longer. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What if Lexa starts dating someone? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Clarke felt terrible for doing it, but she got up and walked out of the restaurant, too. She looked to the right and saw the top of Lexa’s head as she walked away. Clarke turned the other way and started for her own apartment. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven would notice soon, but she did not even have the energy to tell her before she left. Raven did not deserve that. All she had done was help Clarke. Her guilt was alleviated when Raven caught up with her, takeout bag in hand. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” Raven asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” Clarke said. “I just started to hurt really bad and wanted to be home. I’m sorry.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Raven said. </span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Three days later, Clarke was home alone for the first time. Raven had gone back to work last night and was now sleeping in her own bed. Clarke grabbed the pill bottle from her dining table and swallowed two down with water. They were the only things that seemed to make her feel any better. Clarke went back to bed and slept for the rest of the day...</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa’s hand was too cold as Clarke held it between their bodies. She wondered if Lexa was sick. She looked over and noticed Lexa was avoiding her gaze. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sweetheart?” Clarke asked. “Are you okay?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fine, Clarke,” Lexa said. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They suddenly stopped and Clarke felt Lexa pull her hand away. There was a gun in Lexa’s hand now. The cold thing Clarke had felt was a gun instead of Lexa’s fingers. Before she had time to say anything, Lexa pulled the trigger. A white-hot flash of hear went through her chest. She reached up and realized there was blood on her hand. It was her own.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You shot me,” Clarke said, looking up at Lexa’s face. There was an intensity that she did had only seen a few times before.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I have always hurt you,” Lexa said. “This is no different.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You are killing me, Lexa,” Clarke said, falling to her knees. Her eyes remained on Lexa’s face despite the harsh angle of her neck. “Why are you doing this to me?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you, Lexa,” Clarke said. “I don’t want you to feel guilty for this. It’s okay, honey. I know that one day you will be okay.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know, Clarke,” Lexa said before pushing her back into a hole in the ground. Clarke watched Lexa scoop dirt onto her body.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke pulled herself out of the dream and sat up. A searing pain hit her immediately. There was blood on her shirt now. She slowly got out of bed. Honestly, she could have fixed it easily, but she needed to see Lexa. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke drove herself to the hospital. She walked through the ER doors and felt as though she had not been here in years. Indra gasped and hugged Clarke quickly. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s so good to see you,” Indra said. “How are you feeling?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been better,” Clarke slurred. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s get you to a room,” Indra said quickly. “Dr. Reyes!”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sat on the bed as Indra directed. Raven came into the room then. She unwrapped the gauze and bandages on her stomach. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, Clarke saw Lexa. She looked like an angel. She was wearing her white doctor’s coat. Clarke remembered how they used to roleplay sometimes with Lexa’s coat. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is she high?” Lexa asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t even care,” Clarke slurred. “You hate me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa frowned in Clarke’s haze. “I don’t hate you, Clarke,” she said. “What did you take?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My pain pills,” she said. “I had a bad dream. You killed me, Lexa. How could you do that?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You need to rest,” Lexa said. “No more pain pills for you. I’m taking them away.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” she whined. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Lexa said firmly. “I’m taking them away because I love you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Prove it,” Clarke said, pushing her hands away as Lexa tried to bandage her back up. “Don’t touch me until you kiss me. You can fix me when you tell me that you love </span>
  <span>me,</span>
  <span> and you’ll always love me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke, you know that I love you,” she said. “I will always love you. Now, let me fix your bandages.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re just saying that because I’m making you,” Clarke said, frowning. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I’m not,” Lexa said. She grabbed bandages off the tray table beside her bed. “It’s true.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then you want to be my girlfriend?” Clarke asked as her eyes drooped. She just noticed the IV in her hand now. Before she could get Lexa’s answer, she fell asleep. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. baby steps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke did not remember their conversation when she woke up that afternoon. It looked the exact same as it did when she woke up after the shooting. Clarke carefully took her IV out. She was a doctor, after all, and knew exactly what she needed right now. An alarm went off behind her head when it was removed.  </p>
<p>“What are you doing, Clarke?” Lexa asked, coming into the room.  </p>
<p>“I’m going home,” she said.  </p>
<p>Lexa reached out and took her hand that was laying on the bed. Clarke pulled it out from under Lexa’s slowly. She could see the hurt in Lexa’s face at the rejection. Clarke could not help but feel a little bit proud of herself.  </p>
<p>“Wait,” she said. “I... I wanted to answer your question from before. I... I do want to be with you.” </p>
<p>Those were the words Clarke had wanted to hear for so long, but her stomach hurt when Lexa said them now. She could not handle Lexa hurting her anymore.  </p>
<p>“I have to go home,” Clarke said.  </p>
<p>“I know... I know I don’t deserve it, but can you consider maybe... giving me another chance? One last chance?” Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>“I don’t think so, baby,” she said, looking at her fully. “I can’t keep letting you do this to me. I’m stronger than that. I needed you so badly after the shooting and you weren’t there for me.” </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry,” Lexa said. “I wanted to be there, but I... I kept having panic attacks and I didn’t want to hurt you if I had a fit. I should have just told you, but I was scared, Clarke. You have to understand.” </p>
<p>“No, Lexa,” Clarke said sadly. “I don’t understand. I never will. I spent so much time holding my tongue because I feared hurting you. I never once fought you back. And when I really get hurt... you did nothing.” </p>
<p>“You’re right,” Lexa said. “I did nothing for you. You deserve the entire world, Clarke, and I give you nothing.” </p>
<p>Clarke sighed and grabbed her purse. She had to fight herself from arguing back. Lexa gave her so much in her life. She glanced up at her before walking to the door. “See you later, Lex,” she said, just as Lexa had said to her at the restaurant.  </p>
<p>As she left the hospital, Clarke felt relieved and heartbroken at the same time.  </p>
<hr/>
<p>Two days later, someone knocked on Clarke’s apartment door. She carefully made her way to the door and opened it to find a deliveryman holding a bouquet of flowers. She laid them on her counter and read the card: <em> These flowers are not nearly as gorgeous as you are, but I hope you’ll think of me when you see them. Please call if you need anything. I love you so much. Lexa. </em> </p>
<p>Clarke’s eyes were misty by the end of the note, but she managed to keep from crying. She had to remain strong. Clarke had to be fair to herself. Lexa had done nothing to help her when Clarke needed her. Despite all of that, she missed Lexa. She still needed her. Clarke had to fight that urge.  </p>
<p>Clarke was not even sure if she believed that Lexa loved her. She needed answers but being near her right now would send Clarke spiraling. Being near Lexa would make her forget being strong.  </p>
<p>‘Got the flowers,’ Clarke texted.  </p>
<p>The flowers were Clarke’s favorite. It made her happy that Lexa had, at least, done that right.  </p>
<p>‘Can I take you on a date?’ Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>Clarke wanted to cry as she read it. It may seem silly but Clarke still vividly remembered the days when she would beg Lexa to take her on a date.  </p>
<p>‘No, thank you,’ she replied, even though it killed her.  </p>
<p>‘I understand,’ Lexa replied. ‘I will try again, sweetheart. I promise that I will never give up. I know I don’t deserve you. But you’re the love of my life. I have hurt you so badly and I will always hate myself for that. Even if we are never together again, I’ll never love anyone else. I hope you’re well. Can’t wait to see you at work again. I love you.’  </p>
<p>Clarke threw her phone on the couch and left her apartment. It was empowering to sit by herself at a restaurant near her apartment. She knew people were looking at her as if she had been stood up. Part of her wished she had been stood up instead of her current reality. Loving someone and not being with them was a horrible web to be caught in.  </p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa sent her a text every morning. It must seem like a small gesture to anyway else, but it was a big deal to her. Even though Clarke was ignoring every single text, Lexa still sent them. They made her smile. When she woke up in the morning, she was excited to see what Lexa had sent her. She felt like a hormonal teenager again. </p>
<p>Clarke went back to work three weeks after the shooting. She was on strict desk duty which meant absolutely no surgeries. No running through the halls to help paramedics. Everything exciting about her job was on hold for the time being.  </p>
<p>“Griffin!” Lincoln called from the end of the hall. “Good to see you back!” </p>
<p>Clarke waved at him. It felt so good to be back, but she was not looking forward to working so closely with Lexa again. Her heart still yearned for Lexa. But it was not in Clarke’s best interest to run after Lexa anymore. She respected herself more than that. </p>
<p>The hardest part of all of this was that Clarke knew how much pain Lexa was constantly in. She knew how hard normal things were for her. Clarke had seen firsthand how much the war had affected her life. Even making a bagel sent Lexa spiraling when she first returned. The heat on her hand would remind Lexa of something that had happened overseas.  </p>
<p>There was nothing Clarke wanted more than to wrap her arms around Lexa and promise her the world as she had done so many times. Clarke fully intended on giving Lexa the world, but she could not do it right now. They both needed time alone. They needed time to find themselves as individuals. Clarke was enjoying taking herself on dates.  </p>
<p>“Hey, Clarke,” Lexa said, carrying her backpack over her shoulders.  </p>
<p>They just smiled at each other for a moment before Clarke came to her senses and cleared her throat. “Hey,” she said.  </p>
<p>“I’m glad you’re back,” she said.  </p>
<p>“Thanks for the gifts and stuff,” Clarke said.  </p>
<p>“Oh, you’re welcome,” Lexa said. “I remember how much you liked those chocolate covered things that one time.” </p>
<p>“In Hawaii?” Clarke asked. “Lexa, that was forever ago. We had dated for what? Nine months. You remembered that I liked the chocolate covered pineapples there? From four years ago?” </p>
<p>“Well, not exactly,” Lexa admitted with a blush. “I’ve been reading through my old journals. I used to write all the time.” </p>
<p>“Yes, I remember,” she said. “That’s sweet, Lexa.” </p>
<p>“Not really,” Lexa said. “If I was actually sweet than I would have bought you some of those before now.” </p>
<p>Clarke was about to argue but she was saved by Indra. “To your desk, Griffin,” Indra said, pushing her on the back gently. “You’re to stay in your seat.” </p>
<p>“I’m not crippled, Indra,” she argued. Clarke allowed Indra to lead her to her office and sat behind her desk.  </p>
<p>“I know,” she replied. “But this is for the best. You have a ton of stuff to catch up on anyway.” </p>
<p>Clarke groaned as her forehead fell to the desk. Indra just laughed as she left.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. therapy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa sat down on the couch across from her therapist, Becca. The room felt so cramped and hot right now. Maybe it was just because Lexa felt so stressed, but it was also a small room. Even the fan constantly blowing in the corner felt like too much for Lexa to handle. She must have been staring at it because Becca cleared her throat to get Lexa’s attention.  </p><p>“Would you like me to turn the fan off?” Becca said.  </p><p>“Oh, uh… no, it’s fine,” Lexa said, looking back at Becca now. Lexa squirmed on her seat in hopes that it would somehow become more comfortable.  </p><p>“You seem quite uncomfortable today, Lexa,” Becca said.  </p><p>“I didn’t sleep well last night,” she replied.  </p><p>“Why not?” Becca asked.  </p><p>Lexa thought about it and could not come up with the truth. She had been exhausted but sleep would not come. When it did, her dreams kept her from sleeping deeply.  </p><p>“Everything just feels like too much,” Lexa finally explained.  </p><p>“You have said that before,” Becca said. “What exactly do you mean by that today?”  </p><p>“Just… everything makes me tired,” she said. “Performing surgeries used to energize me but now I need like a two-hour nap afterward. Even laying down in bed is tiring.”  </p><p>“We talked last session about your thoughts,” Becca said. “You said it feels like you’re walking through mud in your own brain. Do you still feel this way?”  </p><p>Lexa nodded and turned to look out the window. “Yes,” she whispered.  </p><p>“Tell me about that,” she prompted.  </p><p>“I can’t explain it,” Lexa said. “My thoughts are just… jumbled and slow.”  </p><p>“Is there a time when you don’t feel this way?” Becca asked. “Maybe when you’re walking downtown or eating dinner with a friend. Anything like that?”  </p><p>“I don’t think so,” she said. “The only time I feel slightly normal is when I’m at work and… when I’m talking to Clarke. Sometimes Raven, too.”  </p><p>“What do you think is causing the sluggishness in your mind?” Becca asked.  </p><p>“I don’t know,” she said.  </p><p>Lexa was starting to feel overwhelmed. She took a deep breath and looked out the window again. It was a nice day out. Maybe she could take a walk in the park after this. She wished there was a way she could convince Clarke to meet her there. That would feel better.  </p><p>“Right there,” Becca said, pointing at Lexa with her pen. “What were you thinking about just now?” </p><p>“Walking in the park,” Lexa said honestly.  </p><p>“There was something else,” Becca said, motioning for her to go on.  </p><p>“I… I was thinking about Clarke,” Lexa admitted. “I was thinking about how much nicer it would be if she walked with me.”  </p><p>“Yes,” Becca said, proudly. “Very good, Lexa. If she were here right now, what would say to her?”  </p><p>“Nothing,” Lexa said. “Clarke wants her space from me.”  </p><p>“And you have given her that,” she said. “You have done what she asked. What do you think she wants from you now?”  </p><p>“She wants me to be different,” Lexa said. “She wants me to be the Lexa she first met. It’s impossible. I don’t even remember what I used to be like now. That Lexa… she’s dead. It’s so hard to explain that to her. She fell in love with a different person and now… it’s impossible for us to be together.”  </p><p>“So, you believe that Clarke wants you to be the person you were before the war?” Becca prompted. “As if those two people are separate beings. Correct?”  </p><p>“Yes,” Lexa said. “That’s what she wants.”  </p><p>“Do you feel that Clarke is still in love with you?” Becca asked. </p><p>Lexa thought about that for a long time. “No,” she said honestly. “I think that Clarke loves me, but I do not think that she is in love with me right now.” </p><p>“Right now?” Becca asked. </p><p>“She was in love with me,” she replied. “Before I shot her.” </p><p>“Lexa,” Becca said, sighing. “You did not shoot Clarke.” </p><p>“I practically did,” she said. “I grabbed the gun and it scared him, so he pulled the trigger.” </p><p>Becca folded her arms on her legs. Lexa watched the way she seemed to wait for Lexa to go on, but there was nothing more to say. Lexa felt as though she had been the one to pull the trigger. </p><p>“Walk me through it again,” Becca said. “You reached for the gun and then what?” </p><p>“He fought me for it,” Lexa said. “I could feel him trying to pull the trigger, so I tried to turn the gun away from me.” </p><p>“And it turned toward Clarke,” Becca said bluntly. </p><p>Lexa cleared her throat to keep from crying. She stared down at her hands. “I heard it go off,” she said. “But I didn’t feel it hit me. When I turned to look at her, Clarke didn’t even know she had been shot yet.” </p><p>“How did that make you feel?” Becca asked. “When you saw what had happened?” </p><p>“I... I wanted to die,” Lexa admitted. “I thought about... what I would do if Clarke died from it. I would have done it, too. I carried her into the OR and Raven helped me... I have no idea how I managed to do it. There was a second... I looked down at my gloved hands and they were covered in Clarke’s blood.” </p><p>“What were you thinking about when you saw them?” Becca asked.  </p><p>“I felt empty,” Lexa said. “I felt like I caused it. I wanted to run away from her and never look back, so she could not be hurt anymore. I have hurt her more times than I have made her happy.” </p><p>“Is that really true?” she asked.  </p><p>“It feels like that,” Lexa said. “Every time I pushed her or said something awful, it erased twenty nice things I did. But... I didn’t want to call her those names. My brain wouldn’t stop shouting them until I said it aloud.” </p><p>“That’s the PTSD, Lexa,” she said. “PTSD causes your brain to lie to you. PTSD makes you think you’re somewhere you’re not or someone is doing something that they aren’t doing. When Clarke was trying to help you when you returned from the war, your brain took it as a threat. You reacted as though she was causing harm.” </p><p>“I know,” Lexa said. Lexa knew that <em> now </em>. The damage was already done by time she made that connection. </p><p>“You said last session that you wanted to tell Clarke what happened to the gunman,” Becca said. “Did you tell her?” </p><p>“No,” she answered. “I don’t know how to.” </p><p>“Do you think Clarke wouldn’t understand?” Becca asked. </p><p>“Clarke is a healer,” Lexa explained. “She’s a fixer. She wouldn’t understand why I killed him. She would blame herself for him being dead.” </p><p>“Are you positive about that?” she asked.  </p><p>“You know... I stared into his eyes when I shot him,” Lexa said. “And you know what? I felt better when he was dead. Clarke was laying on the ground behind me and... I felt so good after killing him. That makes me a terrible person.” </p><p>“Do you feel that it makes you a terrible person or do you think that Clarke will feel that way?” Becca asked.  </p><p>“Clarke will think that,” Lexa said. “I don’t feel bad for killing him. Not when he could have killed her. Not after he killed his own wife. Even after Clarke went down, he was still trying to get it from me. He would have killed me, too.” </p><p>“Does that matter to you? That he killed his wife?” she asked. </p><p>“I... I don’t...” Lexa mumbled. She started to cry then. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. “What if I had killed Clarke? I held guns to her, and I was so terrible.” </p><p>“You see yourself in that man,” Becca said.  </p><p>“Yes,” Lexa admitted. She sniffled grabbed a tissue to wipe her face. “When I killed him, I felt like I was killing myself, too. I think that’s why it felt so good. Not that I like to kill. But it felt so good because I killed the part of me that almost killed Clarke.” </p><p>Becca smiled and a weight was lifted off Lexa’s shoulders. “Exactly,” she said. “That person is now dead. Figuratively.” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. therapy too</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Clarke,” Becca said with a grin. “I’m so happy to meet you. I am thankful you decided to come see me today.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad to meet you, too,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now, I know that you are here to help Lexa,” Becca said. She glanced at the woman sitting beside Clarke on the couch. Clarke fought the urge to look at Lexa, too. “But you two are also here to work through issues you have in your relationship.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke swallowed thickly. She wanted to clear the air and explain that they did not have a relationship anymore. But she kept her mouth closed and just nodded.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Before we start, I want to be clear that this is going to be tough,” Becca said. “As I understand it, you two have a lot of things you wish to discuss today. Let’s start with something simple. How do the two of you feel about each other right now?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is the least simple question I have ever been asked,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is </span>
  <span>so</span>
  <span> difficult about it?” Becca asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because... because I feel so many things towards her,” she replied. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa, how do you feel about Clarke?” Becca asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think that Clarke is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Lexa said. “And I think I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to her.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa, you know that isn’t true,” Clarke said, trying not to be annoyed with her already. “I have never thought that.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, but that’s just how I feel,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa, thank you for sharing how you feel but I think it would help Clarke to understand if you explained in more detail why you feel that way,” Becca said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was normal when we got together,” Lexa said. “And things were good. Then I got deployed and Clarke was expected to go about her normal life until I got back. She waited for me. By time I came back, I was so screwed up.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You went through... terrible things, Lexa,” Clarke said, folding her arms across her chest. “You... you couldn’t help it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you agree with that, Lexa?” Becca asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Lexa said. “I should have been able to handle it. I shouldn’t have lashed out on you all the time. I knew you were only trying to help me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You knew?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa swallowed and glanced down at her lap. She forced herself to keep her eyes on Clarke now. “Deep, deep down, I knew that you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose,” she said. “Just... every time you said something about getting off the couch or not being so sad, I didn’t hear it that way at the time. I heard you saying that I was lazy. And then it made me feel defensive about my decision to join the military. Then, it made me think about my father and how much I missed him.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I had no idea you were constantly thinking about all of that,” Clarke said. “I didn’t mean it that way. I </span>
  <span>just</span>
  <span> thought that getting out of the house would help you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It probably would have, Clarke,” Lexa said. “But I couldn’t make myself leave the apartment.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Clarke said. “And I felt obligated to stay inside with you. I was so worried that you would do </span>
  <span>something</span>
  <span> crazy if I left.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wanted space and I guess I reacted that way because I didn’t know how to tell you that,” Lexa said. “And I was also confused and angry and sad.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa is not minimizing what she did to you,” Becca assured her. “But she is explaining how she felt during the hard times you both experienced.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was aware that Becca had been Lexa’s therapist for two years now. They had a bond that Clarke did not have with Becca. Of course, Becca would side with Clarke. Or maybe that is just how she felt about the entire situation. “So... when you would push me around and call me those names, you were feeling what?” Clarke asked, defensively. As soon as the words came out, she regretted them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just... it’s hard for me to know that you were </span>
  <span>consciously</span>
  <span> doing those things to me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t, Clarke,” Lexa said, turning to face her on the couch. “I didn’t know I was doing those things at the time. I would... it was like a blackout. When I came back to reality, I couldn’t remember doing it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Clarke remained silent, Becca said, “What did you feel when Lexa would have episodes?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s eyes were suddenly heavy and misty. “I would think... I felt like you didn’t love me,” she said. “I felt like you were only staying with me because you didn’t have the capacity to move out at the time. I felt like some of it was my fault. I thought that maybe you would be better off without me.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke, that’s not true at all,” Lexa said. “I don’t think I would be here right now if it wasn’t for you. You never gave up on me. My dad was the only other person who has ever loved me like that.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How does the relationship with your father relate to your relationship to Clarke?” Becca asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Lexa said. “I guess... I guess, I feel like they are the only two people who ever saw through me. I remember this one time when I was younger. I had a bad day ay school and my dad didn’t make me talk about it. When I moved in with my mom, she would badger me and badger me to get me to talk about whatever was bothering me. Before I was deployed, Clarke could always tell when I was in a bad mood. She used to do this thing where she would... she would rub my back or braid my hair. We would take baths together after stressful shifts. She never forced me to talk either.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke stared into Lexa’s eyes and knew she was telling the whole truth. Clarke would take the stress away from her if she could. She reached out and took Lexa’s hand. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s something I need to get off my chest,” Lexa said. “The gunman... he was dead when the cops arrived. I... I killed him.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke had known that, of course, because Lexa had the gun away from him by time she fainted but it was hard to hear her say the words.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened?” Clarke asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Once you passed out, he started to fight me for it again,” Lexa said. “You were bleeding and I... I just did it. He leaned over to grab it and I just pulled the trigger. Raven and I still had to remove the bullet... in you. The cops arrived as soon as we were done. I gave them the gun and told them everything.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you for telling me,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you feel, Lexa?” Becca asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Guilty,” Lexa admitted. “I feel guilty because I don’t feel guilty. Does that make sense?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Clarke said. “I understand.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you... would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?” Lexa asked. “Like... a proper date.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need time,” Clarke said. “I can’t... I need my own independence. I’ve kind of been... dating myself lately. I do want to try again. But... we can’t be as codependent as we were before. We need to be our own people, too.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand, Clarke,” Lexa said. “I feel the same way. I can wait </span>
  <span>as long as</span>
  <span> you need.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Clarke left the office, she breathed in the fresh morning air and tried to calm herself. The therapy session had not been like she expected. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke,” Lexa called.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke turned around and saw Lexa walking towards her. “Yes?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks again for coming today,” she said. “I know it had to be hard for you. I’m... if you never want to date again, I understand. I just hope that we can, at least, be friends.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Something overcame Clarke then. She leaned forward and kissed her. Lexa held her waist as she kissed her back. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to be more than your friend,” Clarke said. “I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t want you to be with anyone else either. But I need us to take things slow.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need that, too,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. breakfast date</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“You want go furniture shopping with me tomorrow?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Octavia looked up from her phone. “Me?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s no one else here, O,” Lexa said, motioning around her apartment.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Octavia looked back at her living room furniture and then back at the counters in her kitchen. “Sure, I’ll go if you want me to,” she said. “You sure you don’t want Clarke to go with you?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure,” Lexa said. “I don’t want her to think that I don’t want the furniture she picked out or... you know what I mean. It’s hard to explain. Plus, I don’t want to bother her with this.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You ever think that she might want to go?” Octavia asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you trying to tell me something?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t trying to be subtle,” she said. “Ask Clarke if she wants to go.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa glanced at her phone laying on the counter. She looked back at Octavia after a few moments. “I’ll just go by myself,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Octavia rolled her eyes. “You two are being so dramatic about this, Lex,” she said. “I love you both but you two need to get your shit together or end things for good. Don’t you want to be with her? And doesn’t she want to be with you?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess so,” Lexa answered. “You don’t understand, O. I know you’re trying to be </span>
  <span>helpful,</span>
  <span> but you aren’t.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever,” Octavia said. “See you at work tonight.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See you, O,” she said. “Tell Linc I said hi.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that,” Octavia said before closing the door behind herself.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa took her time in the shower. She sat at the kitchen table and drank coffee as she read the news on her phone. The silence was deafening. Becca kept telling her that it would be a good idea to reintegrate some normal activities into her day, but she still did not enjoy the sound of the TV or radio on in the background. Sometimes she liked to listen to classical music.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>On her way to work, Lexa picked up coffee from the local place Clarke liked. She carried the drink into the hospital through the ambulance bay doors. Clarke had her back to Lexa when she finally spotted her. There was already a chart in her hand. Clarke must have arrived early for her shift today. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Lexa said with a smile.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke turned when she heard her voice. “Hi,” she said, smiling back.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I brought this for you,” Lexa said. She held out the drink.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow, that’s really nice of you,” Clarke said, taking it. “Thank you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course,” she said. “You’re welcome. I’m </span>
  <span>glad</span>
  <span> you decided to come to the session with Becca last week. Consider this a payback.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s cheeks flushed which confused Lexa. “I actually... I enjoyed it,” she said. “I felt a lot better after sleeping on it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad,” Lexa said. “I’ve always liked Becca. We do a therapy session once a week and then we do exposure therapy the other two days.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You meet with her three days a week?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” she replied</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa went to the locker room to change. She felt much more normal than she had felt in a long time. She left the room with her blue scrubs on and white coat in hand. For some reason, memories of their roleplaying flashed through her mind. It made her smile.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh lord,” Indra said, throwing her hands up. “Raven! Give me the burrito.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa laughed as Raven took off running down the opposite hall, eating giant bites without choking. Indra followed her, not running but walking very quickly. Lexa figured it would only take her a few minutes to catch up and take the food away.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was standing outside a trauma room when Lexa approached. She pulled her hair out of her coat to let it hang down her back. She would be lying if she said she did not think of Clarke when fixing it earlier. Clarke liked her hair down. She claimed to like every one of Lexa’s favorite </span>
  <span>hairstyles,</span>
  <span> but Clarke always wanted to play with it when her hair was down. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look beautiful today,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke tore her eyes from the chart she was looking through. “What?” she asked, still distracted.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I said that you look beautiful today,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Clarke said, blushing again. “Thank you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re welcome,” she said, grinning. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa went off to check on her assigned patients. Clarke’s smile and blush stayed in her mind as she worked. She felt even more normal now and Lexa was starting to like that feeling. </span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Nothing exciting happened during their shift and Lexa was thankful for that. After the incident, Lexa loved it best when the ER was quiet. Every loud, sudden sound terrified her. She hated the dread she felt when someone accidentally dropped </span>
  <span>something,</span>
  <span> or the elevator dinged. It was an annoying thing because realistically she knew everything was safe. Her body did not trust that. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As they changed to go home, Lexa gathered whatever courage she had left and said, “Clarke, I was thinking about something. I don’t want us to feel any pressure to go out or make a big deal about a date, so maybe we could just go get breakfast right now. Since we won’t be able to stay long anyway without falling asleep.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke nodded. “Okay,” she said. “Yeah, I can do that.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They drove separately. Lexa chose a booth, since Clarke refused to sit at tables if there was a booth </span>
  <span>option, and</span>
  <span> sat close by the window. She could feel the cool air outside and it was soothing. Clarke slid into the booth across from her and removed her jacket. They stared at each other a long moment.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I realized last night that I’ve never really told you much about my time overseas,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s grin dropped from her face. “Lexa, we don’t...” she started. “We don’t have to talk about it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Lexa said. “But it might help you understand more.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Understand what?” Clarke asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why I reacted the way I did when I returned,” she </span>
  <span>explained</span>
  <span>.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa, I don’t want you to have to relive all of those things and I don’t... I don’t know if I could handle hearing about it,” Clarke admitted. She swallowed thickly. “Maybe another time.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I really think it would help us to get it out of the way,” she said. “Would you agree?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe,” Clarke said, uncertainly. “But... I don’t know if I’m ready.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Becca thinks it will help us,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked down at her lap and laced her hands together in her own lap. “I feel incredibly guilty,” she said. “I felt better after the session, I did, but I just never really understood everything you thought about during those times. The thing about your dad and now your mom... I should have been more sensitive to that. I should have known all of that was going on.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke, you did know,” Lexa said. “I didn’t ask you to go because I needed an apology. I wanted you to go because I need to apologize to you. Saying sorry isn’t enough for everything I’ve put you through. And you were right before. You were expected to live a normal life and then adjust to me being home again while I was acting like that. It was too much all at once.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was just so happy to have you home with me,” Clarke said, wringing her fingers together. “I kept having these nightmares that I was waiting for you at the airport and everyone was reuniting and </span>
  <span>hugging</span>
  <span> and you never got off the plane. I had that dream, at least, four times a week the entire time you were gone. I was convinced it would come true.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Lexa said. She laid her hand in front of Clarke on the table. After a moment, Clarke laid her own over Lexa’s. “It might not have seemed like it... but I was so happy to be home with you again.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke let out a breath of relief. “Good,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. dog tag</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clarke walked out of her office a week later. She and Lexa had not set up another date, but they talked about doing so while working together. This week, they had worked together almost every day. An hour into their shift tonight, and Lexa had still not arrived. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m getting worried,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About what?” Raven asked, leaning against the nurses’ station.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About Lexa,” she said. “She’s supposed to be here by now.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, she called half an hour ago,” Raven said. “She was driving here when she saw a car hit a pole. Paramedics should be arriving with the guy soon.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is Lexa okay?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, she’s fine,” she replied. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ten minutes later, they all heard the sirens come into the bay. Lexa followed behind the paramedics. Her normal clothes were covered in blood where she had obviously been working on the victim. The man was stable though, as Wick told Raven on their way to a trauma room, all thanks to Lexa. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke followed Lexa into the locker room. “Are you okay?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Lexa said. “It looks bad, but the bleeding pretty much stopped once I blocked the main artery. There was some glass in his neck.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s lucky you were there,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m lucky that you’re here,” Lexa said, putting her hands on either side of Clarke’s waist. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke's arms moved around her neck. “You’re in a good mood,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa leaned forward and kissed her quickly. “I guess I am,” Lexa said. “I feel good today. I slept well.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad,” Clarke said. She kissed her again. “You should come home with me after work tonight. Unless you think you won’t be able to sleep or something.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I’ll want to sleep while I’m with you,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke blushed as she looked up at her. “Is that a yes or...?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d love to come over,” Lexa said, laughing. She leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “But for now, we have patients waiting on us. Well, I do. You’re still on desk duty.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t remind me,” Clarke said, pouting. “I’m ready to work again.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doctor’s orders,” Lexa teased.</span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  
  <span>After their shift, Clarke followed Lexa and Raven out of the hospital. They were talking about a surgery they performed together an hour ago. Clarke desperately missed the operating rooms. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop rubbing it in my face,” Clarke joked as she pulled her keys from her bag. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa put an arm across her shoulders. “I’m sorry,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not,” Raven said. “You have a badass scar forever now. You know what it feels like to get shot.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>So</span>
  <span> do you and Lexa,” Clarke said. “And I didn’t even earn it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, you earned it,” Raven said as the three of them laughed.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke had to make light of the situation or else it would swallow her whole. Of course, she would never joke about being shot to anyone else but her two best friends. It was not at all funny when it happened.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See you two tomorrow,” Raven said, climbing into her own car.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They waved as she drove off before Lexa turned to face her. She kissed Clarke softly. “Are we riding together?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can drive as long as you don’t need to go home before work tomorrow,” she answered. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke drove them to her apartment. At every red light and stop sign, she looked over at Lexa as if the woman would disappear any second. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said,” Clarke said. “When we went to breakfast together. I do want to know what it was like over there.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want to know right now?” Lexa asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, whenever you want to tell me,” she replied. “Maybe when we get back to the apartment, I can make us breakfast while you talk.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa nodded and turned to look out the window once more...</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The sun was not even a thought in anyone’s mind as they rose from their bunks. They only had a few minutes to load the tanks and leave before the news hit the town beside them. One of their informants had been told of a plot to attack the base camp the next morning. They had to escape before anyone found out and rushed the plans. Lexa had barely gotten two hours of sleep after packing up all the medical things they needed to bring to the next camp. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Everyone was rushing around as they grabbed whatever they could and toted it out to the tanks and the few trucks they had. The more important stuff was being carried with them. Lexa oversaw gathering the medicines that was left before their next shipment which would be much longer now that they had to move camps. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa had not seen Raven or Anya yet, but she did not worry. The two of them were in another bunker. She threw her backpack over her shoulder and followed the others out the door. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Lexa!” someone whisper shouted across the dirt road.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa met Raven’s eyes and rushed over to her. “Thank god,” she said. “Everything’s been so crazy. I had no idea where you would be.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ride with us,” she said. “Anya’s already in the truck.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Truck?” Lexa asked. “How did you get roped into driving a truck?”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Didn’t have much of a choice, Lex,” Raven said, taking her bag from her and throwing it into the small backrow. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa looked back at the much safer tanks now starting away from the base. She could not leave Raven and Anya now. She could tell they were both nervous since </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>they</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> were much more likely to get shot at in a truck. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Heard from Clarke recently?” Anya asked. She was sitting in the middle of the truck as Raven drove. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No,” Lexa admitted. “But we’ve only been apart three weeks and she was spending the first two at her parent’s. I’m sure she’s fine.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sure she is,” Anya replied. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa knew she was just trying to make conversation to take her mind off everything happening around them. Dirt kicked up around them as they drove through the field and makeshift roads. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Everything happened quickly. The first sounds they heard was metal hitting the truck and then they heard glass shattering. The truck was filled with dirt as the air came through the now open window. Lexa felt the heat from the bullet blazing through her arm after it was already out again. Blood dripped ran down her wrist and hand, landing in her lap. Anya wrapped her hand around the wound and held it tightly in hopes that it would stop bleeding until they could clean it properly.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m okay,” Lexa said to Raven who was looking at her, worriedly. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Raven drove until the tank was blocking the bullets headed their way and they finally got far enough away to be out of range. Anya pulled out their backpacks as soon as they stopped. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t worry about me, Anya,” Lexa said. “Damn it. Look at Peters. I think his guts being out is a priority.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fine, but Raven and I handle Peters,” she said, rushing over to the man lying on the ground. “You take care of your arm.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa sat on the ground as she unzipped her backpack and took out the first aid kit. Her heart started to pound as she remembered the notebook. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No,” Lexa said aloud. She threw open all the zippers and dumped everything out. Her notebook was not inside. “No, no, no.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa’s shoulders slumped when she remembered leaving the notebook under her pillow the night before. She had written in it every day. There was no way she could go back to get it now. The bunkers were probably already being invaded and scavenged anyway. All her letters to Clarke were gone. A part of her felt like a part of Clarke was gone as silly as that sounded even inside her own mind. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wrote letters to me?” Clarke asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Every day,” Lexa said, twirling pasta on her fork in Clarke’s kitchen. “I got a new notebook but... I was really upset about losing that one for a while. I guess it just felt like my only attachment to you over there. It sounds... dumb, maybe.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It doesn’t sound dumb,” Clarke said, putting her hand over Lexa’s. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I still have the other one that I wrote to you if you want to read it one day,” Lexa said. “It’s very graphic, so I don’t think you’ll actually want to. But I wrote a lot about how much I missed you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke grinned at her across the table. “I want to give you something,” she said, standing. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke escaped down the hallway and into her bathroom. She came back with Lexa’s dog tag. She laid them in Lexa’s hand and the woman’s fist closed around them.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You still have it,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course, I do,” Clarke said. “I guess I knew we weren’t over. At least, I hoped we weren’t. It’s been hanging in my bathroom all this time.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hoped we weren’t over, too,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. anya returns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the four months since she started working the night shift, many things had changed in Clarke’s life. The most important change in her life had, of course, been her relationship with Lexa. It might not be perfect, but at least they had hope.  </p><p>“I’m picking up food on the way home,” Lexa said. “You want anything?” </p><p>“Sure,” Clarke replied. </p><p>She glanced down the hallway where Lincoln and Octavia were walking into the locker room together. Clarke smiled to herself. They had recently started talking to each other more during their shifts. Everyone knew they were together but respected them too much to say anything. Obviously, they did not want anyone to know and that was their right.  </p><p>Clarke thought back to when she and Lexa kept their relationship a secret. It had been fun to sneak around for a while. The best part had been sneaking into supply closets and the locker room when it was empty.  </p><p>Looking down the hall always forced her to remember the night they were held hostage inside the ER. Clarke still has nightmares about it. They were rare but always intense when they happened. It helped having Lexa in the bed when they did. After finally out the truth about how the gunman ended up dead, Clarke felt better. For some reason, she had imagined Lexa shooting him after she passed out. Knowing he went for the gun and probably would have killed Lexa too, she was grateful Lexa had pulled the trigger. She would never condone violence, but she always could not imagine living without Lexa.  </p><p>“Hey,” Lexa said, drawing her attention away from the OR she had almost died in. </p><p>“Sorry,” Clarke said. “Did you say something?” </p><p>“I asked if pasta was okay for tonight,” she said.  </p><p>“Pasta sounds good,” Clarke replied. </p><p>“Perfect,” Lexa said. She kissed Clarke’s forehead before heading off to finish their shift.  </p><p>Ten minutes later, Clarke was in her office when she heard commotion from the lobby. She grabbed her coat from the back of her chair and slipped it on as she walked down the hall. She was not even there yet when she recognized the voice. </p><p>“Anya,” Clarke whispered to herself, walking faster. </p><p>Lexa already had Anya in a tight hug. Apparently, Lexa had no idea she was arriving this morning either. Clarke could hear Anya explaining how she got released early but none of it made sense to Clarke. All she knew was that Anya was home and she was safe.  </p><p>Lexa had spent a few nights recently talking about their times overseas together. Clarke was getting much better about wanting to hear stories of that time in Lexa’s life. Lexa also asked about the time Clarke was alone. It made her feel better to know that Lexa was trying to understand her own feelings about the experience. </p><p>“Please tell me that you’re back for good,” Clarke said as Anya embraced her.  </p><p>“Can’t do that, my little blonde friend,” Anya replied. “But I am back for a while.” </p><p>“Are you staying with Lex?” she asked. </p><p>“Yes,” Anya said. “Just until I find my own place. I assume she will be staying with you most nights anyway.” </p><p>“Why do you say that?” Clarke asked. </p><p>Anya leaned in to whisper, “Because she’s happy.” </p><p>The words made Clarke blush. “I’m really glad you’re back,” she said. “That will make her happy.” </p><p>Raven stopped in the hallway when she saw Anya. Clarke noticed the way her expression softened. Lexa must have noticed, too, because the back of her hand grazed Clarke’s before holding it. They smiled at each other briefly.  </p><p>“You’re back,” Raven said.  </p><p>Anya smiled. “I’m back,” she said. “So, you can stop missing me, Reyes.” </p><p>“I didn’t miss you at all,” Raven replied.  </p><p>“Oh, please,” Anya said. “You were the one crying on the phone two weeks ago about how much you missed me.” </p><p>“I was not crying,” Raven said, quickly.  </p><p>Clarke looked back at the nurse’s station when she heard Indra sigh very loudly. She walked out from behind the desk and put her hands on her hips. “Again,” she said. “Go change out of your scrubs, go home, and take the drama with you. This ER is not the place for your romantic comedy.” </p><p>Anya held up her hands. “I’m leaving,” she said. “Lex, see you at home. Raven and Clarke, see you girls later.” </p><p>Once Anya was gone, everyone went to the locker room to change into their normal clothes. Raven was unusually quiet.  </p><p>“I think I’ll go back to my apartment tonight,” Clarke said. “Alone, I mean.” </p><p>“You could come home with me,” Lexa said. “Anya won’t mind.” </p><p>“I know she won’t,” she said. “But I want you two to do whatever it is you do together.” </p><p>Lexa chuckled and rolled her eyes. “You make ordering pizza and watching TV sound scandalous,” she said.  </p><p>“I don’t know what you two watch,” Clarke joked.  </p><p>Lexa wrapped her arm around Clarke’s waist. She leaned down to kiss her. They kissed until Raven cleared her throat and folded her arms.  </p><p>“Well, I’m not in the mood to watch porn,” Raven said. </p><p>“Rae, just tell Anya you missed her,” Clarke said. “We all know you did.” </p><p>“I did not,” Raven said. “I mean, I did because she’s one of my best friends, but I didn’t miss her in the way you all are implying.” </p><p>“Hey, I’m not a part of this conversation,” Lexa said, holding her hands up innocently.  </p><p>Lexa kissed Clarke once more before grabbing her camo backpack from the bench. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow, babe,” she said.  </p><p>“See you,” Clarke said. </p><p>Raven walked out with her a few minutes later. The sun rising provided beautiful scenery as they walked to their cars. Clarke looked toward her over the hood of her own.  </p><p>“I really hope you choose to tell her how you feel,” Clarke said. “I know it’ll be... difficult. Trust me, I know. But you’ll be happier.” </p><p>“And what if I’m not happier?” Raven asked, sighing. </p><p>Clarke looked over at the sun once more and then back at her best friend. “At least you’ll have an answer,” she said. “It’s better to try than to always wonder. You know?” </p><p>“Maybe,” Raven said, shrugging. “I’ve never been much into Chinese proverbs.” </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes as she watched Raven get into her car and drive off.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. we shall go on</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Becca took her seat across from the two of them and smiled. Clarke glanced over at Lexa, who seemed more relaxed compared to their last session together, and she took her hand. It was a small comfort, but she enjoyed it. Clarke was determined to make this work between them. Even if things were hard, they were better together than apart. </p><p>“So, it seems that things have changed since we last spoke,” Becca said with a smile. She motioned toward their entwined hands.  </p><p>“Well...” Lexa said, looking over at Clarke. She grinned a bit. “We still have a long way to go, but I’m happier than I’ve been in a while.” </p><p>“Me too,” Clarke agreed. </p><p>“Things are good for Raven, too,” Lexa said. “She and Anya are technically dating now. It's nice seeing them so happy.” </p><p>“That’s great,” Becca said sincerely. “Do you think that their relationship will influence your own with Clarke?” </p><p>Lexa thought about that for a second. She did want to go on double dates with them and do other couples' stuff. But they could not risk rushing into things. Lexa doubted Clarke would give her another chance after this one. She really needed to make it count.  </p><p>“No,” Lexa said honestly. She surprised herself with that answer. “Because Anya and Raven don’t act like a normal couple. When we spend time with them, the two of us act more like a couple than they do. Not that we aren’t a couple... or... sorry. You know what I’m trying to say.” </p><p>“I think what Lexa is trying to say is that they never touch each other or call each other pet names,” Clarke explained. “Lexa and I do stuff like that all the time. Even if we aren’t a couple in the traditional sense yet, we’re still a couple. Right, Lex?” </p><p>Lexa smiled and nodded. “Yes, we are,” she said. “I don’t want anyone else.” </p><p>“I don’t either,” Clarke said.  </p><p>“I think it would be helpful for Lexa to write her feelings down,” Becca said. “I’ve noticed that your words get sort of jumbled when you’re trying to talk about your feelings. Do you know why that is?” </p><p>“No,” Lexa said. “I don’t know why.” </p><p>“Is it because of me?” Clarke asked. “Because I always know what she’s trying to say, so I would explain it for her. Like I just did. I have a bad habit of doing that.” </p><p>“It doesn’t bother me,” Lexa said. </p><p>“But you have your own thoughts and feelings that not even I understand or could predict,” Clarke said. “And I want to hear what they are.” </p><p>Lexa stared into her eyes. She could see the sincerity in them. Her blue eyes were swimming with emotion and not all of it was good. Lexa could tell by the tiny frown on her face. She wanted to take it all away. </p><p>“I’m mad at myself,” Lexa said. “I’m mad for hurting you the way I did, and it made me feel so weak for a long time. Those years that we were apart, I hated myself for most of it. I had this wonderful woman who loved me, and I couldn’t keep you.” </p><p>“Well, I was mad at you for a while,” Clarke admitted. “But I let it go when I realized just how bad your PTSD was. It was better that we were apart for a while, I think. If not, it would have continued to get worse until something terrible happened. You know it as well as I do.” </p><p>“I do know that,” Lexa said. “And I would like to hope that I would never do anything... but the thought alone is terrifying. I've gotten a lot better.” </p><p>“I know you have, sweetheart,” Clarke said. “You’ve worked so hard.” </p><p>“I would have to agree with that,” Becca said. </p><p>Lexa had almost forgotten that she was here, too. It was so easy to get lost in Clarke’s eyes and in her words. But even Lexa could admit that she had worked hard to get where she was today. </p><p>Later that night when they were alone, Lexa stared at Clarke as she cooked dinner. She thought about this exact situation years down the line. She wondered if Clarke still wanted to marry her. Maybe Clarke wanted a family. They had always talked about their future as if they would be married, but that was before PTSD and their breakup.  </p><p>Even if Lexa had no idea what the future held for the two of them, she was happy right now. All Lexa could do was try her best to show Clarke how much better she was. She vowed to never take Clarke for granted again. Clarke was her soulmate. There was no one else who would ever understand her the way Clarke did.  </p><p>And there was no one else Lexa wanted to spend her life with. </p>
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